I write from the point of view of a divorced parent.  Keeping this in mind, it’s important to remember that you aren’t the only single parent in the family.  When you become single, there are a couple of options when it comes to the custody of your children.  You may have physical custody, with the father having weekend and holiday visits, or it may be reversed, you may be the one who is the part time parent.  You may have split joint custody with the year divided evenly between both homes for the children.  You may even have a situation where the father or yourself live far from the children and there is only limited visitation for a few a weeks a year and occasional holidays.

Whatever your custody and visitation situation is, the most important thing to consider is consistency.  I’m speaking of rules and disciplinary actions.  The major rules should be upheld in both homes.  I don’t mean that one parent can make all the rules and the other parent needs to follow them.  If possible, you need to sit down and discuss what are the most important, or the major rules, and which ones are not major.  Letting Johnny have an ice cream an hour before dinner is not going hurt him, but letting him invite friends in while you leave him home alone for 8 hours while you work may not be the wisest idea.

Deciding which rules are the most important depends on the responsibilities you want to teach your children.  They also depend on how much you want them to learn to respect rules in the future when they are grown.  And most of all, you want them to understand that they won’t get away with doing things in one home that they wouldn’t get away with in the other home.  Consistency in punishment, and carrying the punishment from one home to the other, needs to be agreed upon as well.  If Mom grounds Johnny for a week, and Dad has a visit with Johnny over the weekend during that week, he should up hold the grounding, if that is what you have agreed upon.  The same goes if the punishment comes from Dad’s home back to Mom’s.

The upside of a partnership with the father on this matter is that there is one less thing for the parents of the children to be at arms over.  This helps the children adjust to going from one home to the other. There will be some changes in the lifestyle of living with either parent, but knowing that both parents are in agreement over the rules and punishment helps give consistency to the children’s lives.  This holds true with dinner times, bed times, television viewing, video games, and computer time.  Whatever the rules were that help to form a child into the adult he will become while in a two parent home, should still exist in the single parent home.  In the best interest of the children, rules are good and should be consistent. Everywhere.

Four years ago when my children were just fetuses in my belly, I witnessed every temper tantrum thrown by toddlers.  They usually occurred right in the middle of stores, kids on the ground stomping their feet, screaming like wild banshies.  The mothers were usually helpless and gave into these wild children.  I bet you at one point thought or said these words “My child will NEVER be like that.” or “I would NEVER give into that.”

Fast forward three years, I am in a store and I witness a child meltdown.  Only this time, I don’t roll my eyes or say that “my children would NEVER do that.”  I actually have sympathy for this mother.  Why, you ask? Well, because I AM THE MOTHER.  Yep, it happened.  The very idea of handing my out of control child WHATEVER he wanted didn’t seem all that wrong, if only to make it all go away.

Rewarding my childs temper tantrum didn’t seem so bad after all.  The very thing that had us shocked and appalled not so long ago now makes perfect sense.  Alright, alright, we know that realistically this is NOT the best way to handle the situation.  I’ve done it, yep.  Bought them both a DVD  just to make it ALL go away…um, does it matter that I ended up taking them back?  NOPE, not to the kids…I only taught them that throwing a temper tantrum means a reward.

Just so you know, i no longer do this.  NO, i dont keep them locked in the basement away from the public eye.  NO, they didnt completely quit throwing fits.  It is something that just happens, and usually it’s just bad timing on my part.  To help, I watched a lot of Nanny 911 and read a lot of blogs from other mothers and found what works for me and my kiddos.  Remember, this is just what works for ME.

• PREVENTION - Make sure your child is not tired or hungry when doing an errand.  Even I’ve probably been known to throw a tantrum or two when I’m tired and hungry.  I understand that sometimes this isn’t possible, just be prepared for a meltdown
• DONT LOSE COOL remain calm.  Try to NOT focus on the people around you and their response.  Stay in control.  If YOU, the adult, the parent, loses their cool…the situation is in deep trouble.
• QUICK DISTRACTION if possible. Try and distract them when you can feel it coming…WOW, DID YOU SEE THAT?!
• REMOVE CHILD from public eye.  Take the child outside on a bench or better yet to the car, buckle them in and let them calm down.  I understand that if you are in the middle of checking out with a cart load of groceries, maybe this is not possible.  Most likely the cashier will be moving a little quicker for you.
• DO NOT GIVE IN Never, never give in, because the child will think that his behavior warrants a reward…IT DOESN’T
• TALK once your child calms down. Let them know the behavior was not appropriate…have a real talk with them.

These are just a few things I’ve picked up from other parents, talk show hosts and tv shows.  This may not work for you.  All situations are different and require a much analyzed approach.  I wish you luck in your next child tantrum experience.

What’s so hard about cooking dinner for one?  We all started out our young adult lives cooking for just ourselves when dinner time rolled around.  That is, unless we were fortunate enough to have that few extra dollars allowing us to grab McDonald’s or Wendy’s, or maybe a small pizza from Pizza hut. Continue Reading

My intentions for my first bloggity blog were to write about  Budgeting for Single Parents. Well, seeing that my bank just called and said i was “x” amount of dollars overdrawn, I think we’ll work on that another day.  Hey, it happens, and YES I am frustrated.  Here is the thing though, after 3+ years, I am FINALLY off assistance.

Needless to say things are tight, hectic and I mess up here and there. I’ve learned to give myself some slack.   But, overall, I’m doing it…we’re doing it.  The real kicker is that I’m happier, calmer and broker (more broke) than I have been for ages.  Sane?  Now that is another story.  Basically I feel it’s overrated.  I will, however, lend to you some advice on keeping a quasi-sane life.

Tips on Staying Sane:

• Bedtime, EARLY, kids not you…it took me about a week of sleepless nights to get my kids to realize I meant business…but I stuck to my guns and don’t regret it at all!!! Now I rarely, if at all, get any arguments when I say bedtime.  (Keep in mind, this usually means getting up early in the morning, but it is completely worth it!)
• Establish a Routine – This sometimes is not an easy task, especially if your schedule is as hectic as mine.   BUT, bedtime means we have the same routine everynight, brush teeth, each one of my two sons picks a book that I read to them, they each tell me about their day, tucked in, kisses, prayer and gooooodnight.  I rarely, if ever, stray from that ROUTINE.
• Network with other single moms -  These ladies get it. They know what you are going through.  This has been very valuable to me for a number of reasons, and not just because you just gained a free babysitter…(of course you reciprocate the gesture)
• Accept Help - Never be too proud to accept help if you need it.  In the end you will be better fit (mentally, physically AND emotionally) to care for your children.  If you need assistance, get it, that is why it’s there.  Yes, I’m talking welfare.  You wont be on it for ever. Think about the writer for Harry Potter, yep, she was on welfare.
• Separate Need from Want - Be a good example to your children.  De-value material possessions.  Start this early.  It may be rare, but if you ever have “extra” money…spend it on “adventures” not “things”…the kids really will be much happier, take my word for it!
• DONT GET CABLE. – I’m telling you DON’T do it.  Turn the TV off.  Put that money aside for something else.  My kids will rarely see me watching tv. I either have a book in my hand or I’m writing.  Teach the kids to play.  Nix the word “bored” outta their vocabulary.  It does not exist.
• Find a good church.  And go. – I never considered myself a religious person..nope NEVER.  But this has been such a saving grace.  I actually love going to church.  It is an amazing support system, and and unbelievable comfort.  Spirituality is so important to me AND my kids.  When you think you have no one…you have God.  That’s all I’m going to say about that… done.

Well, as an introduction blog, I think that should do it.  I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you or myself.

Remember, Sanity…IS overrated.

Do you have any tips for dating a single mom in Indiana? If so, we’d love to hear them. Sign-up for an account and leave a comment below.

Thanks.

K. Paul Mallasch
(kpaul.mallasch@gmail.com)

If you’re a single mom in Indiana and you work from home, there are many others who would love to hear how you’re doing it. If you’re willing to share your information on working from home with other single moms in Indiana, let me know.

Thanks.

K. Paul Mallasch
(kpaul.mallasch@gmail.com)

This website aims to be a place for single moms of all ages to be able to share what it is like to be a single mother in Indiana. Are you interested in writing for Single Moms Indiana? If so, contact me. Thanks.

K. Paul Mallasch – Publisher
(kpaul.mallasch@gmail.com)

This will soon be an informative article on how to stay safe when introducing your children to the Internet. I promise.

Welcome to Single Moms Indiana – a place for you to gather and share information about the sometimes thankless task of being a single mother in Indiana. Stay tuned.