Single mothers and dating -  yep, I’m going there. I have really tried to avoid this subject, but for some reason I keep coming back to it. I wasnt really sure how to approach it, because I think it’s just so personal. I’ve always considered it one of those “nunya” topics…you know, nunya bizness.

I’m at the stage where I’ve been there, done that, and am DOING that.  Maybe some of you are not and you could use some encouragement.  I’m here for you. It’s intimidating,  it’s scary, and some of you are looking for some “rules.”  I will do my best to help you out.  I’ve read books, blogs, watched Dr. Phil and tried to apply this to my life.

I haven’t talked much about my relationship status on this blog. For one, because my boyfriend is a private person, (yep, I said boyfriend) and two… I really want these blogs to be about US, the single mother.  But, dating is about us, it’s an us issue…one that shouldn’t be taboo.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year.  I still consider myself a single mother.  I have my own place with my kids, my boyfriend lives about 20 minutes away.  We are at a place where I feel more comfortable asking him for help.  We are a daily work in progress, though.  But now you know…I have a boyfriend.

Match.com really worked for me.  I live in a small town and just needed more options.  I had a lot of fun, met some amazing men, most of these men were not right for me, but that’s okay. It doesn’t make them any less amazing.

I am actually still “friends” with most of them via facebook.  One got married to a wonderful woman last year and they are expecting their first child.

I need you to remember, the following ideas are what worked for me…or what I’ve read works for others.  Decide for yourself when you are ready and what is right for your life.

• Where do i start?  How about creating a profile for free on one of the many popular dating sites. Keep in mind that most have a monthly fee, so decide if that is in your budget.   Creating the profile is free, and gives you some practice in talking about yourself.  Read some profiles to see what others have written.  (If you want, I’ll share mine…just ask. It is somewhere in the archives) Some example dating sites:  eharmony.com, match.com, plentyoffish.com (this one is free), and spark.com
• Meet your date at a public location and drive separately.  You want to choose a public place that allows you to hear each other, but not someplace that is so unheard of and remote that you feel unsafe.  YOU be in charge, pick someplace you are familiar with.  If your date suggests a place and you know where it is and feel comfortable, than go for it.
• Make a curfew and keep to it!  No matter how much fun you are having,  DO NOT call your sitter and try to extend your date.  Leave them wanting a second date.
• Keep a positive attitude.  I went on many dates where I realized I wasn’t looking into the eyes of my next husband, but chill out and have fun.  A bad and resentful attitude can spoil a perfectly lovely kid-free evening.  On the other hand, if you feel uncomfortable and in danger get yourself out of the situation immediately. Do not hesitate and do not second guess yourself.
• Be confident and dress in what helps with that…nothing too tight or too revealing.  No need to go out and buy a new outfit.  Everyone has something in their closet they love..that go-to outfit.  If you want, borrow some accessories from a friend.
• As you and your date become serious, you will naturally share more personal information with each other, but on a first date a better option is to keep the conversation light and fun while at the same time asking questions that will allow you to really get to know someone. Some topics to avoid: money, health issues, the future, sex, and ex’s.
• Don’t overwhelm your date by introducing them to your children…(again, drive separately to your date location) and don’t overwhelm your children by introducing them to your date.  There are no rules as to when this should happen, but I’m guessing Dr. phil and I would agree that the first date is too early.  Be smart and know when the time is right for EVERYONE involved.

I hope these tips for dating a single mother help.   Remember that single mothers can date and SHOULD date, when they are ready.  Don’t think you are a horrible mother because you decide to go on a date, casually or seriously.  It is a very normal and acceptable thing to do.  Just be smart and safe about it.

Since my race on December 12th, I have taken a running hiatus. I had actually planned to take the rest of winter off, but it seems my mind and body just can’t do it.  I need a way to let off steam, de-stress.  When I smoked, I would light up a cigarrette. Well, we don’t do that anymore, so apparently we scream.

My kids are probably officially convinced I’m a raging lunatic.  I really did my best to keep that side of me away from the kiddos…but alas, the winter blahs have gotten to me.  Everything annoys me!  “Don’t do that, stop touching that, stop whining. AHHHHHH”  Even my on again off again (well, only off once…but anyway) boyfriend notices a difference.

It’s really not brain science that working out is good for you.  Just like it’s quite obvious smoking is NOT good for you.  Taking care of ourselves as single mothers is very important.  So, how am I going to workout if I can’t run outside?

A gym membership or private trainer are both a luxury and out of the question.  I suppose running on the DREADmill is a possibility.  I don’t own one myself, but my kids most awesome-est (hope you read this cause you are) Godmother has one and it is always available for me to use.  Alright, so how can us single mothers make ourselves a priority?  What are some ways we can sneak in a workout?

• Treadmill: Iif you don’t have one, find someone that has a treadmill and ask if you could use it.  (Note to self, stop calling it the DREADmill or u will never get on it!) and if you have small children perhaps you could bring them along and turn on the TV and see if your friend could watch over them while you get a quick run in, or really whatever you have to do to make yourself a priority.
• Workout videos at your library.  Basically I have NO coordination, and really have a hard time finding something that I can actually do.  Try some different ones out, pop them in and give em a whirl.  Thank goodness for early bedtimes…the TV doesnt have to be loud to do this either..pop in some tunes on your mp3 and get going.
• Play outside, especially with snow.  I’ve taken my kids sledding 3 times since the snow began.  It is really a workout because I have to carry Aidan up the hill with the snowsled.  So this has actually been a really fun workout for me AND the kids.
• Accumulate some workout equipment.  I have 5lb weights and rubber band thingies.  These give me some resistance and I don’t have to dedicate a whole lot of time for them.  I keep them out where I can see them and sometimes I’ll grab them and do some curls for 10 minutes…always better than nothing!
• Park far away.  If I don’t have my kids with me, I park as far away as possible.  The cold air usually does me some good and puts a little pep in my step. I walk a little faster to the entrance…perhaps gettin my heart rate  up there.
• Workout books.  Go to the library and you will be surprised on how many books are out there.  Out of the thousands of books, one will surely fit your life style.  Yoga and stretching is just a sample of the many topics you can look up.

I hope everyone finds a way to be a healthier mom in 2010!  There is something out there for everyone of you.  One last note, My family and I were dining at our local Olive Garden last week and someone paid for our meal.  It was very sweet and kind…and our server was happy too because he got a marvelous tip.   Kindness is all around.

Ok, I’m going to give some of my ideas a try this week.  I did just buy 6 boxes of girl scout cookies. I should start running those off now.  Oh, and Happy 31st birthday January 12 to my best friend of a million years, Monica Bankus!!!

Well, looks like I’ve taken a couple weeks off and there were reasons for this. I found myself having quite the bad attitude the last couple of weeks. I found myself grumpy and, well, on December 26th I found myself without a boyfriend. BOOOO, twinmother05 got dumped.

Hey, it happens…but you know, heartbreaks sucked when I was in high school, college and news flash people they still suck as an adult. Ok, so without gettin into too much detail…the waters are still murky. After a few days wallowing in self-pity…this very moment I have decided to stop…it’s actually THIS precise moment that it has stopped.

It’s funny, but in these last few days EVERYTHING that has happened has seemed so “end of the world.” In my more positive days it wouldn’t have been much of a big deal. The following things occurred that made me think the WHOLE UNIVERSE was against me… my toaster, my lamp, window blinds, dvd player all broke in a 48 hour period.  Yes, I know AWFUL.

Okay, Okay… see, I can tell things are getting better because these things do NOT seem like that big of a deal and my children and I will most likely live through it and anything else that comes.

Christmas Joy!

Also, I think a lot of this doom and gloom attitude has to do with those winter blahs I’m always hearing about.

I really don’t want to have a bad attitude, so I’m thinking I should consider some things that can help me stay on the right track.

These are NOT resolutions…remember, I dont do those..haha

• Exercise.  Its been too cold for me to run outside, so I need to find another way.  Looks like I will be using my friend’s treadmill.
• Cut out sweets.  I am absolutely addicted to sweets..sugar, mmmm me love you.  I’m actually a bit of a snack whore, yep I said it, but I can’t think of a better word.  I need to start bringing healthy alternatives to work, because that is where I’m most tempted.
• Keep journaling…when I am a little upset, writing about it helps so much.  I think I have journaled every day for the past two weeks.
• Hangout with friends more. I tend to not balance that into my life, and I think it is so important to keep supportive women in your life.
• Cut back caffeine.  I have been having a very hard time falling asleep later, and I think it is because of this.

Like I said, these are not resolutions, just things I’m trying to think about. I know, I know, they sure do sound like resolutions, but they aren’t, so shut it. muahahahahh.

Small Things in Life

My kids did have a wonderful Holiday.  Christmas morning my mother called me to say she found a giant red velvet bag of presents left outside her door.  There was no note, just presents wrapped with my children’s names on it.  I don’t know who did this, but thank you!  This was such a wonderful surprise.

I have so many things to be thankful for.  I don’t want to ever appear ungrateful, but sometimes I have a few bad days.  It happens.  My son got his wheelchair and other supplies that will hopefully make life easier for him.  He was thrilled.  It wasn’t a bad day, not at all!