So, I was peering through a book the other day.  I  know, I work in a library so real shocker. Anyway, where was I..oh, yes..book…it was by Michael Chabon. The title of said book was Manhood for Amateurs. Now, the initial quote that stuck out to me was, “The handy thing about being a father is that the historic standard is so pitifully low.” Continue Reading

I have really been struggling with what to write. My life has been fairly uneventful. My children haven’t had any serious injuries and miraculously enough, neither have I.  I’m not even sure if I have any advice left in me.  Maybe I’m feeling a bit of the winter blues.  I have always claimed to be a lover of all seasons, I really feel like it helps appreciate all four of them.  Whenever it’s hot and sweltering, I tend to reminesce of fall, then christmas and snow…but  right now I’m dreaming about warmer weather.  I’m all snowed out.

I would give anything to be able to run outside again.  I’m getting stir crazy, my mind tends to zoom to a hundred different places every second.  I actually watched an entire movie, okay, it took me three days, but I watched it.  Perhaps all this uneventfulness is the thing that is REALLY driving me insane.  There is always something happening, and to have nothing, I mean, what does one do with THAT?

Mark and I are sorta celebrating our one-year together.  I mean sorta, because I can’t for the life of me remember when our first date occurred…I’m pretty sure it was a little before valentines day, but we didn’t celebrate valentines day.  Actually, I’ve managed to be single on valentines day for the past 10 or so years.  I know it doesn’t quite seem possible, but, I’m not going to get into detail on how it truly IS possible.

I suppose Valentines Day doesn’t have to be all about the love of a partner.  It can just be about love in general.  The commercial aspect of it all is a bit infuriating.  Mark and I are actually getting away for the evening ON Valentines Day, ugh, could I BE more herd following..haha.  What can I say?…I actually have TWO days in a row off for work (President’s Day is Monday)… and this in itself is a rare thing.  So, let’s just say we are actually celebrating our one year.  This is actually the longest relationship I’ve EVER been in…I know, shocking…31 years old..anyway, enough about this topic, it’s making me nauseous.

I don’t see any point in denying my children some goodies for this holiday, but I bought NOTHING from the Valentine’s Day Aisle…I will only conform 3/4th of the way.  I decided to ring in Valentine’s Day with some baseball equipment, gloves, balls and bats.  It brings us closer to spring.  I look forward to taking the kiddos to their first Cubs game!  So, what is this blog post about…nothing.  Riveting, right?

I could offer some advice on how to get through the rest of the winter without any major breakdowns…but, I havent really figured that one out either.  I guess, suck it up.  I definately suggest taking the kids sledding, it’s really the best thing you can do with snow.  I have been enjoying the sunshine, it makes everything a lot more bearable.  You really just have to make the best of whatever mother nature is going to throw at us…she is in charge.

Single mothers and dating -  yep, I’m going there. I have really tried to avoid this subject, but for some reason I keep coming back to it. I wasnt really sure how to approach it, because I think it’s just so personal. I’ve always considered it one of those “nunya” topics…you know, nunya bizness.

I’m at the stage where I’ve been there, done that, and am DOING that.  Maybe some of you are not and you could use some encouragement.  I’m here for you. It’s intimidating,  it’s scary, and some of you are looking for some “rules.”  I will do my best to help you out.  I’ve read books, blogs, watched Dr. Phil and tried to apply this to my life.

I haven’t talked much about my relationship status on this blog. For one, because my boyfriend is a private person, (yep, I said boyfriend) and two… I really want these blogs to be about US, the single mother.  But, dating is about us, it’s an us issue…one that shouldn’t be taboo.

I have been in a relationship for almost a year.  I still consider myself a single mother.  I have my own place with my kids, my boyfriend lives about 20 minutes away.  We are at a place where I feel more comfortable asking him for help.  We are a daily work in progress, though.  But now you know…I have a boyfriend.

Match.com really worked for me.  I live in a small town and just needed more options.  I had a lot of fun, met some amazing men, most of these men were not right for me, but that’s okay. It doesn’t make them any less amazing.

I am actually still “friends” with most of them via facebook.  One got married to a wonderful woman last year and they are expecting their first child.

I need you to remember, the following ideas are what worked for me…or what I’ve read works for others.  Decide for yourself when you are ready and what is right for your life.

• Where do i start?  How about creating a profile for free on one of the many popular dating sites. Keep in mind that most have a monthly fee, so decide if that is in your budget.   Creating the profile is free, and gives you some practice in talking about yourself.  Read some profiles to see what others have written.  (If you want, I’ll share mine…just ask. It is somewhere in the archives) Some example dating sites:  eharmony.com, match.com, plentyoffish.com (this one is free), and spark.com
• Meet your date at a public location and drive separately.  You want to choose a public place that allows you to hear each other, but not someplace that is so unheard of and remote that you feel unsafe.  YOU be in charge, pick someplace you are familiar with.  If your date suggests a place and you know where it is and feel comfortable, than go for it.
• Make a curfew and keep to it!  No matter how much fun you are having,  DO NOT call your sitter and try to extend your date.  Leave them wanting a second date.
• Keep a positive attitude.  I went on many dates where I realized I wasn’t looking into the eyes of my next husband, but chill out and have fun.  A bad and resentful attitude can spoil a perfectly lovely kid-free evening.  On the other hand, if you feel uncomfortable and in danger get yourself out of the situation immediately. Do not hesitate and do not second guess yourself.
• Be confident and dress in what helps with that…nothing too tight or too revealing.  No need to go out and buy a new outfit.  Everyone has something in their closet they love..that go-to outfit.  If you want, borrow some accessories from a friend.
• As you and your date become serious, you will naturally share more personal information with each other, but on a first date a better option is to keep the conversation light and fun while at the same time asking questions that will allow you to really get to know someone. Some topics to avoid: money, health issues, the future, sex, and ex’s.
• Don’t overwhelm your date by introducing them to your children…(again, drive separately to your date location) and don’t overwhelm your children by introducing them to your date.  There are no rules as to when this should happen, but I’m guessing Dr. phil and I would agree that the first date is too early.  Be smart and know when the time is right for EVERYONE involved.

I hope these tips for dating a single mother help.   Remember that single mothers can date and SHOULD date, when they are ready.  Don’t think you are a horrible mother because you decide to go on a date, casually or seriously.  It is a very normal and acceptable thing to do.  Just be smart and safe about it.

Since my race on December 12th, I have taken a running hiatus. I had actually planned to take the rest of winter off, but it seems my mind and body just can’t do it.  I need a way to let off steam, de-stress.  When I smoked, I would light up a cigarrette. Well, we don’t do that anymore, so apparently we scream.

My kids are probably officially convinced I’m a raging lunatic.  I really did my best to keep that side of me away from the kiddos…but alas, the winter blahs have gotten to me.  Everything annoys me!  “Don’t do that, stop touching that, stop whining. AHHHHHH”  Even my on again off again (well, only off once…but anyway) boyfriend notices a difference.

It’s really not brain science that working out is good for you.  Just like it’s quite obvious smoking is NOT good for you.  Taking care of ourselves as single mothers is very important.  So, how am I going to workout if I can’t run outside?

A gym membership or private trainer are both a luxury and out of the question.  I suppose running on the DREADmill is a possibility.  I don’t own one myself, but my kids most awesome-est (hope you read this cause you are) Godmother has one and it is always available for me to use.  Alright, so how can us single mothers make ourselves a priority?  What are some ways we can sneak in a workout?

• Treadmill: Iif you don’t have one, find someone that has a treadmill and ask if you could use it.  (Note to self, stop calling it the DREADmill or u will never get on it!) and if you have small children perhaps you could bring them along and turn on the TV and see if your friend could watch over them while you get a quick run in, or really whatever you have to do to make yourself a priority.
• Workout videos at your library.  Basically I have NO coordination, and really have a hard time finding something that I can actually do.  Try some different ones out, pop them in and give em a whirl.  Thank goodness for early bedtimes…the TV doesnt have to be loud to do this either..pop in some tunes on your mp3 and get going.
• Play outside, especially with snow.  I’ve taken my kids sledding 3 times since the snow began.  It is really a workout because I have to carry Aidan up the hill with the snowsled.  So this has actually been a really fun workout for me AND the kids.
• Accumulate some workout equipment.  I have 5lb weights and rubber band thingies.  These give me some resistance and I don’t have to dedicate a whole lot of time for them.  I keep them out where I can see them and sometimes I’ll grab them and do some curls for 10 minutes…always better than nothing!
• Park far away.  If I don’t have my kids with me, I park as far away as possible.  The cold air usually does me some good and puts a little pep in my step. I walk a little faster to the entrance…perhaps gettin my heart rate  up there.
• Workout books.  Go to the library and you will be surprised on how many books are out there.  Out of the thousands of books, one will surely fit your life style.  Yoga and stretching is just a sample of the many topics you can look up.

I hope everyone finds a way to be a healthier mom in 2010!  There is something out there for everyone of you.  One last note, My family and I were dining at our local Olive Garden last week and someone paid for our meal.  It was very sweet and kind…and our server was happy too because he got a marvelous tip.   Kindness is all around.

Ok, I’m going to give some of my ideas a try this week.  I did just buy 6 boxes of girl scout cookies. I should start running those off now.  Oh, and Happy 31st birthday January 12 to my best friend of a million years, Monica Bankus!!!

Well, looks like I’ve taken a couple weeks off and there were reasons for this. I found myself having quite the bad attitude the last couple of weeks. I found myself grumpy and, well, on December 26th I found myself without a boyfriend. BOOOO, twinmother05 got dumped.

Hey, it happens…but you know, heartbreaks sucked when I was in high school, college and news flash people they still suck as an adult. Ok, so without gettin into too much detail…the waters are still murky. After a few days wallowing in self-pity…this very moment I have decided to stop…it’s actually THIS precise moment that it has stopped.

It’s funny, but in these last few days EVERYTHING that has happened has seemed so “end of the world.” In my more positive days it wouldn’t have been much of a big deal. The following things occurred that made me think the WHOLE UNIVERSE was against me… my toaster, my lamp, window blinds, dvd player all broke in a 48 hour period.  Yes, I know AWFUL.

Okay, Okay… see, I can tell things are getting better because these things do NOT seem like that big of a deal and my children and I will most likely live through it and anything else that comes.

Christmas Joy!

Also, I think a lot of this doom and gloom attitude has to do with those winter blahs I’m always hearing about.

I really don’t want to have a bad attitude, so I’m thinking I should consider some things that can help me stay on the right track.

These are NOT resolutions…remember, I dont do those..haha

• Exercise.  Its been too cold for me to run outside, so I need to find another way.  Looks like I will be using my friend’s treadmill.
• Cut out sweets.  I am absolutely addicted to sweets..sugar, mmmm me love you.  I’m actually a bit of a snack whore, yep I said it, but I can’t think of a better word.  I need to start bringing healthy alternatives to work, because that is where I’m most tempted.
• Keep journaling…when I am a little upset, writing about it helps so much.  I think I have journaled every day for the past two weeks.
• Hangout with friends more. I tend to not balance that into my life, and I think it is so important to keep supportive women in your life.
• Cut back caffeine.  I have been having a very hard time falling asleep later, and I think it is because of this.

Like I said, these are not resolutions, just things I’m trying to think about. I know, I know, they sure do sound like resolutions, but they aren’t, so shut it. muahahahahh.

Small Things in Life

My kids did have a wonderful Holiday.  Christmas morning my mother called me to say she found a giant red velvet bag of presents left outside her door.  There was no note, just presents wrapped with my children’s names on it.  I don’t know who did this, but thank you!  This was such a wonderful surprise.

I have so many things to be thankful for.  I don’t want to ever appear ungrateful, but sometimes I have a few bad days.  It happens.  My son got his wheelchair and other supplies that will hopefully make life easier for him.  He was thrilled.  It wasn’t a bad day, not at all!

I really hope you have all managed to avoid a nervous breakdown as the Holidays  near and the year ends.  During all the hustle and bustle try to remember the TRUE meaning of Christmas.  Embrace what you have, and forget what you don’t.  It’s December 15th and I have still managed to stay semi-sane.  I am so grateful for all that I have, and for all the wonderful people in my life.  Oh, that reminds me of a quote:  “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.” -Epicurus.  I hope you all get to spend the holidays with the people you love.  Try to remember those in the armed forces that can’t be with their family. Continue Reading

I decided not to stress out about the holidays on November 23rd, 2009 at 7 something pm. It had been a dizzying day of GO GO GO and DO DO DO…I finally sat down to make a grocery list of stuff I had buy to make by that night because I had to take Aidan to Indy in the morning for a doctors appointment and we were leaving for Chicago right after that…breathe..ok

Mocha Cheesecake

So I started to make a list of the ingredients I would need for the homemade mocha pumpkin cheesecake, homemade mac and cheese, and another ridiculously complicated pie..when i just thought.  “It shouldn’t feel like this.  The holidays should not feel like this.”

I took a deep breath and decided to make the following adjustments.  I would be making two easy no bake pies and an easier version of my “gourmet” mac and cheese.  TADA. And you know what?  Thanksgiving didn’t get canceled.  I will probably STILL be invited next year too.

Know what DID happen?  I felt amazing.  I went to the store and was probably the happiest and least stressed person in that whole place.  It took me an hour to make those pies when I got home.  I drank a glass of wine and watched the episode of House I missed Monday.

Its kinda a good thing I decided not to be stressed this holiday season, because I woke up at 6:30 am the next morning to take my son to get his walker fixed, know what i found?  A destroyed front right tire.  Yep, could I be any more thankful it didn’t happen going 65 miles an hour on the highway with my precious cargo!

I looked at it, called and rescheduled the appointment and decided to worry about it when I got back from Chicago on Friday.  It was Wednesday, I instantly let it go.

8k Turkey Trot

So, I ran the 8k Turkey Trot in Chicago on Thanksgiving, fast…really fast (for me)…43 min and something fast…then hung out with friends and family and had a beautifully relaxing day.  Got back Friday called AAA, got my car towed, got the great news that actually THREE of my FOUR tires were in serious trouble.  OUCH on the ol’ pocket book, it had to be done, though.  Drove home in what felt like a new car, sweet!  Woke up Saturday morning to a FLAT front right passenger side tire.  All I can do is laugh.  It’s Monday November 30th and I survived!  “Expect the unexpected…” Words to live by.

I really feel that it IS possible to have a stress free holiday.  I believe that as single moms we expect entirely too much out of ourselves.  It’s okay to put the bar a little lower..seriously…I doubt anyone will even notice.  So, keep things simple, cheap AND realistic!

• Decorations.  My first christmas as a single parent I threw a teeny tiny party.  The invitation asked that the guests bring a few Christmas decorations that they already had and could part with.  That was how I started my collection.  People were actually more than happy to unload some of their stuff.  Everyone came and helped me decorate for my first christmas.  You dont need to spend a fortune, just be creative.

• Get all your ducks in a row.  My first priority above all is to be caught up on my bills before I start buying gifts.  You just really never know what emergency situation could occur.  I remember Aidans second Christmas he got sick exactly one week before. We spent 7 days in the hospital and he was released christmas eve.  That was a tough one and before I had ever started receiving child support.  Just Prioritize!



Homemade Gifts

• Homemade gifts.  I am going to let you in on a little secret, most people dont really want anymore more knick knacks or junk.  Most people have enough STUFF already.  I found a great idea for homemade hotchocolate, or make cookies.  Food is a great gift!

• From the Heart.  I’m not doing the generic christmas cards this year, those of you that do, please understand I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it.  I send cards with special messages letting each individual family or friend know how much they mean to me, usually with specific examples (Im behind on this right now…oops).  I can’t buy all these people gifts to let them know what they mean to me, so i do it this way!

• Budget.  Create a REALISTIC budget and STICK TO IT!!!  I know a single mother that just put a 400 dollar item in lay away because her 2 year old FELL IN LOVE with it!  Here is a little secret…that 2 year old forgot about that 400 dollar item as soon as you left the store!

• Remember what is important and what you are actually celebrating.  I grew up in a poor family and during christmas I always felt like an extreme inconvenience.  The holidays were never about family, but about how poor we were and how stressed out it made my family.  I know some families that were poor, but their kids never realized it.  Switch your focus!

• Cheap.  Shop at Once upon a Child or any other consignment shop for your toddler.  My kids were very happy with their “second-hand” legos they got for their birthday.  Take advantage of it.  Also, my kids are fanatic about the beautiful holiday lights!  Map out a little road trip for your kids, pack hot cocoa and some snacks.  THIS is what they will remember!

I could really go on and on about keeping your holidays stress free, but this should be good for now.   Everyone please have a safe and happy holiday!

I was tested these last few days…my emotional stability was tested…um, i failed, a little…I broke my unwritten rule of never letting money upset me. I’ve actually broken it a couple of times. As a single mom I have chosen to raise my boys alone. This means that I will not allow myself to work more than I absolutely have to. This also means that every single cent counts. I do not get assistance, except for my childrens health insurance. I pay for rent, electric, gas, phone, food..etc on my own. So, Im not going to lie, when in a matter of 3 days my PNC bank charged me NINE overdraft fees at 36 dollars a pop…um, well, it hurt a bit. That is a two week pay check.

I made 3 phone calls to them.  It does not help that they appear to be looking at a totally different account than what I look at.  The only time it appears that my account goes into negative is when they take the three consecutive overdraft fees from me…from that point on my account completely spirals out of control and they take an additional SIX overdraft fees.  Im not going to lie, Im upset, and im using my blog to vent.  After the third phone call and me crying so hard that they cant understand me, they take the first three off my account.  They refuse to work anymore with me.  I understand policy, but at what point does it stop being policy and start appearing almost criminal.  Isn’t a bank supposed to be a safe place to put my money?  I almost feel safer putting my money in my mailbox with a note outside of the mailbox saying “here is my money.”  So, there is no more I can do.  Actually, my next action will be closing my PNC account as soon as humanly possible.  But, really, I have to move on.  When my check gets deposited on Tuesday, the entire thing will practically vanish without it going to a single basic bill.

This whole experience has made me want to be nicer to people.  To actually sympathize with people, and to realize that in the end, its just money.  I went over to my aunts the other day, her sister (my aunt as well) passed away last month.  I realized that this is the first time in 60+ years that she has ever lived alone.  I made her lunch and promised to bring me and the boys to visit every friday.  I forgot about that money for a couple of hours, it didnt matter.  Helping someone did.  That is what mattered.  Money, in the end, doesnt bring back your loved ones.  You cant let money be the deciding factor that makes things better, AND you can’t let it be the thing that makes a situation worse either.  Does that make sense?  It made more sense in my head…but I think you get the point.

Im not always a rational person…I am unfortunately and fortunately,. depending on the situation, always an emotional person.   I enjoy having a job and a life where people actually matter to me.  The most difficult time to not let money become important is around the holidays.  I love a challenge.  Today is not christmas, today is November 14th.  I must practice living in the present.  I tend to blog about about not making money important, not because I am an expert, but because I tend to forget.  Reading and writing this really helps send it home.

Alright, Im sure my facebook and real life friends are sick of hearing about  PNC bank.  I will stop.  It isnt important anymore.  I have done all I can, and am moving on.  I let my kids whatch the Grinch 6 times in two days..no joke.  I really love this time of year.  I always have, even in the most trying of times.  This year will be no different.  We will still decorate our tree and for the next 2 months we will watch christmas movie after christmas movie and it will be like watching them for the first time…again.  We did receive some good news, my sons wheelchair should be in by christmas along with some other equipment that will help him be independant.  Be thankful for what we have and try not be regrettful of what we dont have.

I don’t know a parent out there that wouldn’t say that they wanted to raise happy childen.  I believe it is far too easy to “say” the right thing. It is much harder to “do” the right thing. Are we raising our kids to be happy? Are we, as parents, happy? Sometimes we just need to step back and ask these questions…AND answer them…honestly.

I’ve made mistakes as a single mother. I think it is important to be a bit selfish. In the beginning I was selfish…but not in a positive way…not in a way that was going to make me a better mother..and not in a way that was going to benefit my children.  Today, I’m not that same mother…I’ve changed and evolved in ways I never knew possible.  I’m not finished either.

I think it is very hard to raise happy children when we ourselves are not happy.  We need to fix ourselves first.  Make ourselves into good, positive role models.  I want my children to be happy, kind, and peaceful.  I need to show my children how to do this.  If I can accomplish this, than I have provided my children with the tools to be successful.  I’m not talking about the amount of money in their pocket, but the amount of laughter in their heart.  Simplify your life, it will become a lot easier to understand happiness.

Zen

Creating happy children isn’t about throwing big lavish parties, going to exotic islands…etc.  Happiness can happen right in your living room.  Hey, this is VERY easy to say.  Honestly, I tend to always want to be somewhere or do something bigger than needed…creating high expectations, setting the scene for a highly stressed occasion.  I’m learning.

I’m actually learning a great deal from the website www.zenhabits.net.  Remember, less is more…except when talking about quality time with kids…i think, well, more is more.  Instead of buying your kids some big expensive gift…um, how about not working those hours it cost to buy that gift.  Just a thought.    Alright, I tend to ramble and go off on tangets…here are a list of basics for raising happy children.  Before starting on THIS list, make sure you are able to check off “happy parent.”

• Be creative.  Teach your children creativity.  Write short skits and perform them, color, draw, paint, etc.
• Play!  Get muddy and chill out about it.  I was a camp couselor in Maryland one summer.  The last day was woodstock day.  There was this designated area that we flooded…it was ALL mud.  We played and bathed in mud for hours.  I felt like a kid again.
• Do not over schedule.  Your child does not have to play soccer, take theater, play the piano, be in boy scouts …to be well rounded.  That wore me out just typing it.  Does your calendar look like a giant collage?  How about re-thinking it.
• GIVE.  Volunteer.  You may not have a lot of money, but there are many ways to  “give” kindness.  I’ve started to make extra food a couple times a week and the kids and i take it to my aunt and visit.  Doesnt take a lot of time or money, and everyone enjoys it.  Win-Win.
• Be positive.  Try to see things in a half full kinda way.  Im not ALWAYS this way, but for the most part, yes.  I also believe starting the day on the right foot is key.  EVERY morning i wake my kids with “its a nice day.”  Helps set the tone.  Surround yourself with positive people.
• Love.  Tell your children you love them…often.  The other day, I was talking to my children and I told them ”even when I get upset with you, I love you.”

These are just some examples.  I am no Mary Poppins, but in the end, I believe raising happy children starts with just simplifying our lives and being happy ourselves.

My son aidan is considered special needs. We have spent the past 3 years with specialist trying to pen point what this means. He has an unknown disease.  Just recently I received an email from his Neurologist.  The email stated that a medical team from Atlanta discovered a “mutation in his mitochondrial DNA.”  This could mean that we have a name for his condition.

Next week we are headed to the hospital to look at wheel chairs and at that time they would like blood work from me to help with this new finding.  After I have given blood, they will send it out, and I could know something in two months or 1 year.

I suppose it is better than nothing.  Im not sure how I am supposed to feel about this.  I cried when I read the email and hugged my children.  It was emotional.  My son is still the same kid he was yesterday.  He loves to be tickled, to laugh, to eat…he loves life…more than I do sometimes.  Children really know how to live.  We really could learn a lot from them.

My aunt passed away on Friday.  She was only 61.  Death always makes you think about life.  It puts a spark under you.  Makes you want to seize the day.  Live life to the fullest.  Death is the example of life.  Yet, my kids at the age of 4, don’t yet understand death…and here they are, living life to the fullest.

My children are the example of life.  They live simply.  They live for the moment, they have no concept of next week, next year or in a couple of hours.  They have it so right.  My point is,  life gives us no guarantees.  I cant worry about tomorrow, or what my sons future has in store.  I need to live in this moment.  Enjoy this moment.  I need to sit back and watch my children.  They are great teachers.  Be more childlike.

I’m not saying abandon your adult responsibilities, stop paying bills, stop going to work..yada yada.  I’m saying relax, breathe…perhaps, abandon that load of laundry that doesn’t really HAVE to be done tonight.  I’m saying your house isn’t THAT messy, let it be.  I’m saying enjoy these beautiful children and play.  Tuck your worries away and live in that moment.  Listen to how sincere your kids laughter is, how easy it is…not a hint of worry.

My kids may not be able to teach me how to do my taxes, not yet anyways.  My kids can teach me how to be creative, how to live, how to laugh.  My kids, from the day they were born, unknowingly, taught me how to love.

Kids do not need a new bike, a new toy or a trip to disney world to be happy…unless we teach them that.  I remember reading a book that describes the dirtiest of slums, the poorest of poor conditions…and yet you could still hear the laughter of children.

I like to think my kids and I lead a fairly simple life … materialistically speaking. We don’t have cable, no cell phone plan (only a land line), no video games, flat screen TVs. I do have a laptop with Internet, and I wonder how much I really need that and sometimes guiltily if i can even afford the extra cost a month. The house we live in is small, so small that I ditched the couch and chair in the living room so Aidan could have room to try and use his walker. Yet in all this “simpleness” I have accumulated a ridiculous amount of clutter.

As a child, we never really had money, and as an adult I am equally without money. Yet my life seems to be held inside all this “stuff.”  Have I just put so much sentimental meaning behind all this “stuff” that I cant let go of it.  Why do I keep adding to this meaningless pile of “stuff.”  What am I teaching my children?

We put such an emphasis on materialism.  I love fashion magazines and often times dream about having that 600 dollar purse.  Why?  So someone can compliment my PURSE.  What kind of legacy do we want to leave to our children.  Do we want to be the Donald Trumps of the world or the mother Theresas?

We need to switch our focus.  We need to set good examples for our children.  I think about Christmas time and how stressed out I see people.  Our kids see that.  If our kids see us stressed out about not being able to buy “stuff” for them, what kind of message is that sending to them?  We don’t want our kids to think they are a burden to us.  We sacrifice so much of our time to work long hours just so we can have this “stuff” everyone is talking about.

We need to spend time with our kids.  That’s the “stuff” we need.  We need to turn off the TV, tune out those commercials that tell us about all the stuff we need to be happy, and we need to tune into our kids.  We need to set good examples for our children.

We want to raise kind children?  We need to look at ourselves.  Are we being good role models?  Stop the negativity even in the most trying times.  How about clearing the clutter out of your life, together?  Get rid of 50 things, take them to the local shelter or goodwill.  Stop buying unnecessary stuff. Start giving necessary time.  Surround yourself with kind and giving people.  If you want to be good at something you have to practice.  Practice your kindness. I promise it won’t be wasted.  Do you want to be known for the nice car you drive or the kindness in your heart?

OK, now that I have that off my chest – ha!  I have been struggling with what to write for my blog lately.  This wasn’t a lecture to “you.”  This was a lecture to myself.  I want to change.  I don’t want to want that 600 dollar purse anymore.  I want to de-clutter.  This all came from me reading one book.  The book is No Impact Man: The Adventures of a Guilty Liberal Who Attempts to Save the Planet, and the Discoveries He Makes About Himself and Our Way of Life in the Process.   It’s about a man and his family’s year long journey to making as little impact on the environment as possible.  I can’t rehash the entire book for you, all I can do is suggest you open it, browse it, or even google it.  Its about changing our focus.  Separating our wants from our needs.  Respecting our environment, respecting each other.  I ask that you forgive me for my ramblings tonight.  I’m ready to make a change.  I’m ready to get rid of “stuff,” and go for a walk.

I don’t hide the fact that I am a fan of the Supernanny! I probably watch less than 7 hours of tv a week, 75% of that is Supernanny. It’s comforting to watch. It’s nice to know that even the “wildest” of children can be “tamed.”  Keep in mind, I use these terms very loosely.  It is also a way for me to realize my boys aren’t too shabby and I’m able to give myself a little pat on the back.

One of Supernanny’s many “go-to” resources is a routine. It is a known fact, like 1+1= 2, that kids need and love structure.   My personality, at times, can reflect a routine nightmare.  This is coming from the woman that has lived her life in a constant state of whimsy.  I moved to a foreign country by myself for a year, decided I wanted to live in Seattle for a summer, then packed and left the next day.  Decided to join Americorps, packed and left to live on the east coast for about 3 years in one day.  Need I say this was all before I was a mother?  As I watched episode after episode of Supernanny, I thought maybe I needed to implement a routine, not really thinking much about it or what that would actually intale.

My conclusion:  I’m not sure it is possible.  I sat down with my cardboard and black sharpie and got to work, only to realize how different my schedule is every single day of the week.  I finally finished a schedule for Mondays and Wednesdays, only to realize that Aidan had speech therapy in the morning on Mondays and that would throw the scheduling off.  I started to think about the Supernanny and realized that most of the “routines” she devised were for stay at home moms.  I work different hours on different days.  This certaintly is not ideal, but when you are single mom and are in constant finanical survival mode, you can not always be choosey on what schedule you get.  So where does that leave me? Seven different schedules for seven different days, seven separate pieces of cardboard?  UGH, I’m making this too hard arent I?

It is now 10pm at night, I started this blog earlier in the day and I’ve had some time to reflect.  Today wasn’t on a schedule.  My kids ate at 6 (a little later than usual).  I let them have a snack at 7, because it was their birthday.  We played a game about 7:15, gave the kiddos a bath, read them each a book, tucked them into their beds, talked about their day…Their day ended at 8, without a hitch.  Loosely speaking, maybe I do have a routine.  I tell them dinner is almost ready (probably a different time everyday), without even asking, dylan is getting their table ready and chairs in place.  I start singing our clean up song ( a different time everyday) and the kids start picking up their toys while I run their bath water.  I wake the kids up by saying “its a nice day” ( a different time everyday).

What is that saying?   “Different Dips for Different chips?”  Basically, every single family is different.  I think it’s important to really know what works for you.  Finding examples that work for you is great, but no need to treat it as the holy grail, things happen and dont always go as planned.  I believe that the Supernanny is right-on with a lot of her child rearing techniques and I believe i have found a way to interpret her ideas into my life style.  “Different Jokes for different folks?”

I really do believe that structure is very important in a child’s life.  If you live a completely chaotic life, you will have completely chaotic children.  Maybe try something like this…

• We all have to get up, right?  maybe try something quirky to get the kids up.  Perhaps play some music in their doorway when its time, a kazoo, guitar, something silly.  Get the day started right.  I just say, “its a nice day” and the kids wake up 90% of the time in great moods.
• We all have to eat.  Give the kids special duties for getting table ready.  Whenever I say “Dinner/Lunch is almost ready” My kiddos are getting the table out and ready.  Praise your kids and let them know how much you appreciate their help.  It goes a long way….believe me.
• Family time…schedule it!!! Turn off the TV!!!!  We have a box full of games and I give the kids a “first call” for them to find a game we can play…or a book we can read.  Give your kids options.  It makes them feel like they are really involved.
• We all have to sleep.  I’ve discussed this before, but try to create a routine for bedtime.  Sometimes we cant complete our routine because I get out of work too late, but…more times than not we are on our schedule and it works for us.

Ok, it is 10:30 and I would still like to read, I try to every night right before bed.  I have a zillion things to do tomorrow, and none of it on my “routine”…If I were REALLY going to plan my week out, it would be on a dry errase board and I would do it the night before and..hey, now there is an idea…anyway, goodnight all!

I love Supernanny. I’ve seen countless episodes. Different families with different problems, except one…bedtime. I cant remember the last time Jo (that’s supernanny) did not have to deal with a problem at bedtime.  I hear so many parents saying “I wish my kids would go to bed early.”  Um, you ARE the parent, right?  I just shake my head and think of how great my kids are at bedtime, and ALWAYS have been.

Ok, Ok, I just choked on my own laugh with that last comment.  I used to DREAD bedtime, because it was such a stressful and LONG process.  But now, my kids get 11-12 hours of sleep and I am a happy mom, EVEN at 6:30am.  Bedtime for your kids is not only healthy for them, its also Healthy for mom.  This did not happen overnight, mainly because I wavered a little from the rules.  I learned VERY quickly that you have to follow the rules EXACTLY.

What ARE the rules you ask?  I would like to tell you I thought these up on my own and here is my patent number, but, I didn’t.  I stole the rules right from Supernanny.  I did not even ask permission I just did it and now I will pass them on to you.  Ready?  Here they are…TaDa

• Follow a CALMING bedtime routine.
• Before he gets into bed make sure he has no reason to get up.  (He has gone to the bathroom, had a little water and after all of this, make sure you make it clear that you now expect him to stay in bed)

NOW, the following are the rules within the rules.  Basically what to do after all this and he makes his 1st to 21st (or whatever) attempt at getting out of bed.

• The first time he gets up, remind him it is bedtime, lead him back to bed and give him a kiss and a cuddle and leave the bedroom.
• The second time do the same but use a firmer voice and make the kiss and cuddle brief.
• The third time and any times after say nothing as you lead him back to his bed, tuck him in and leave the room.

The last one is where I wavered, and it is really the most important to stick to.  I have also seen variations of this technique on the show.  She will sometimes have the parent do all the following but instead of leave the room, she will have them step away from the bed, sit down with your head down.  This is to provide the child with some comfort.  She has the parent wait until the child is asleep to leave.

Following these rules does not give you INSTANT results.  It took me a full week of hour long (or more) trials before it actually worked.  It was exhausting, but 100% worth it.  I have so much more ME time because of it.  I can share with you my “calming ” routine that seems to work.

Because of my schedule, I am unable to get the kids to bed at the same time EVERY night.  But, because I have stuck to my guns in the past, I have gained enough respect that when I tell my kids that they have 15 more minutes until we get ready for bed (no matter WHAT time it is) they don’t argue

• Easy on up on the sugary treats before bed (actually ALL day if you can)
• Clean up time!  They have to put ALL their toys away.
• They get to watch TV for a short time.
• I tell them they have 15 more minutes till bathtime.
• It’s bathtime…scrub scrub..dub dub.
• Teeth brushed, go to potty.
• They each pick a book for me to read.
• They go to their separate rooms.
• I sit with each one and let them tell me about their day.
• kisses, hugs and tucked in…

TADA…  Again, this is altered here and there.  Sometimes I help them pick up toys, sometimes I only read ONE book AND sometimes I’m not able to give them a bath that night.  It really all comes down to getting your kids to respect you and trust you enough that if you do have to alter the “program” they are able to flow with it with you.  Kids do need discipline and structure…actually, they LOVE it, and will respect you more for it.

You may think this just seems like an awful lot, but just think about all that time you take just trying to get your kids to bed.  You should also check out super nannys website.

My Twin boys will be 4 in less than a month. It is inevitable that they will ask. They will ask the question that haunts me. They will ask about their father.

I have made poor choices in my life, and I have finally gotten to a point where I have stopped making excuses. I am finally owning up to them.  Sometimes I wonder when Jerry Springer is going to call and ask me to be on the show.  No, my kids father is not my cousin.  Bottom line, I’m not perfect.  My life, at times, can be a bit chaotic to say the least.  I try everyday to make sense out of this chaos.  I’m growing.  I’m learning.

To be as brief as possible…I am a single mother. The children’s father lives on the east coast.  He changed all contact information when I was 9 months pregnant and had moved back home to Indiana.  It took the courts 3 years to find him and issue child support.  He has made it perfectly clear that he wants NOTHING to do with MY children.  Basically, I wanted them, I can raise them.  He has no idea what they look like and doesn’t want to know.  As harsh as this may sound, maybe it’s the best thing he could have said.  He really couldn’t have said it any clearer and made me understand any better.

But, well, now what?  How am I supposed to explain this to my children?  Is there a right answer?  I suppose maybe…a little.  The right answer would be any that doesn’t make my children feel like they have done anything wrong.  There are times when I think, “couldn’t I just tell them he is dead”…I know STUPID STUPID idea, but, I really cant help some of the thoughts that enter into this head of mine.

They WILL ask.  It’s in our nature to want to know where we come from. I’ve read that you should keep it simple and honest.  This makes sense.  I get that.  You almost have to try and figure out a way to get into that four year old head “hmm, if I were four years old what answer would satisfy me, what answer would make me feel the least crummy?”

The truth is, it’s okay to not know the answer.  It’s okay to throw your hands in the air and say I DON’T KNOW.  It doesn’t make you a bad mother.  I have googled the holy heck out of this topic because I needed advice.  I admitted that I didn’t know what to say about my children’s absent father.  What it comes down to, and what I mentioned earlier is keep it brief, honest and simple.  “Aidan, Dylan, your fathers name is (whatever).  He lives far away and is unable to see you.”  Something like that, maybe.  What can I say, I’m still working on it.

The key is to not be unkind and say negative and hurtful things about this man.  As much as we may hate it, our kids are genetically connected to this man.  Never let them hear you bash their father.  Save this for your journal.

I’m not so much writing this to give advice.  Im writing this because maybe there is someone out there that needs to know they are not alone.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Surround your children with love and good role models.  Keep your head up, you’ll get through this.  WE will get through this, together.