My Twin boys will be 4 in less than a month. It is inevitable that they will ask. They will ask the question that haunts me. They will ask about their father.

I have made poor choices in my life, and I have finally gotten to a point where I have stopped making excuses. I am finally owning up to them.  Sometimes I wonder when Jerry Springer is going to call and ask me to be on the show.  No, my kids father is not my cousin.  Bottom line, I’m not perfect.  My life, at times, can be a bit chaotic to say the least.  I try everyday to make sense out of this chaos.  I’m growing.  I’m learning.

To be as brief as possible…I am a single mother. The children’s father lives on the east coast.  He changed all contact information when I was 9 months pregnant and had moved back home to Indiana.  It took the courts 3 years to find him and issue child support.  He has made it perfectly clear that he wants NOTHING to do with MY children.  Basically, I wanted them, I can raise them.  He has no idea what they look like and doesn’t want to know.  As harsh as this may sound, maybe it’s the best thing he could have said.  He really couldn’t have said it any clearer and made me understand any better.

But, well, now what?  How am I supposed to explain this to my children?  Is there a right answer?  I suppose maybe…a little.  The right answer would be any that doesn’t make my children feel like they have done anything wrong.  There are times when I think, “couldn’t I just tell them he is dead”…I know STUPID STUPID idea, but, I really cant help some of the thoughts that enter into this head of mine.

They WILL ask.  It’s in our nature to want to know where we come from. I’ve read that you should keep it simple and honest.  This makes sense.  I get that.  You almost have to try and figure out a way to get into that four year old head “hmm, if I were four years old what answer would satisfy me, what answer would make me feel the least crummy?”

The truth is, it’s okay to not know the answer.  It’s okay to throw your hands in the air and say I DON’T KNOW.  It doesn’t make you a bad mother.  I have googled the holy heck out of this topic because I needed advice.  I admitted that I didn’t know what to say about my children’s absent father.  What it comes down to, and what I mentioned earlier is keep it brief, honest and simple.  “Aidan, Dylan, your fathers name is (whatever).  He lives far away and is unable to see you.”  Something like that, maybe.  What can I say, I’m still working on it.

The key is to not be unkind and say negative and hurtful things about this man.  As much as we may hate it, our kids are genetically connected to this man.  Never let them hear you bash their father.  Save this for your journal.

I’m not so much writing this to give advice.  Im writing this because maybe there is someone out there that needs to know they are not alone.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Surround your children with love and good role models.  Keep your head up, you’ll get through this.  WE will get through this, together.

When I first thought through this topic, I thought I would be writing about single mom’s and how they use the Bible.  But on further contemplation, I believe it’s about single mothers who are written about in the Bible. Who would care about those women from a time long ago?  This is a different day and age. The trials, tribulations and stress that we deal with on a day to day basis are surely quite different from those that these women lived in a few thousand years ago.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that they do face many of the same issues and worse than we do today.  And the one thing that we all have in common is ‘faith’.  The women who are written about in the Bible had a strong enduring love and faith for God.  There may be some who will read this and say to themselves that they don’t believe in God, or they don’t believe in MY God.  But that does not mean that they don’t have faith.  Or that they don’t have the strong love for what they do believe in.

So I went about looking for mention for single mothers in the Bible and I found that the bible barely addresses them. There are, however, many examples of God’s gentle interaction with women, mothers, widows and their children. These examples apply whether a mother is single or married or widowed or divorced. God knows each person intimately, and knows her situation completely. The Bible warns that sex outside of marriage is sinful and dangerous, and will bring troubles, one of which is that a woman might have to raise a child by herself, which is undoubtedly difficult. And if it is her own sin that has resulted in single motherhood, God is still just as willing to bring help and comfort.

Is it my job to preach to each of you single mom’s out there about pre-marital….or NO-marital sex?  No, it’s not.  But that seems to be the biggest part of what the Bible stresses in regards to single mothers.  I expected to find the stories of those mothers who lost their husbands and raised their son’s to adulthood despite the plagues and laws that came about during the biblical years.  How they raised those son’s to be God-fearing, and triumphant in the face of temptation.  But the writers of the Bible didn’t choose to write that way.

We know the story of Moses, but he was raised in a palace by the Pharaoh’s wife, and I don’t believe it is clear that his birth mother was a single woman or not.  Even later when he met her again, the children were grown and I still don’t find it clear whether a husband and father was around.  The one thing I do get from the Bible is that many of the women were very strong. And in some way managed to hold their family together or provide for them while their ‘men’ were out of the home.

Being a parent is hard.  Being a SINGLE parent is hard.  It gets overwhelming.  Our own needs and feelings get put on the back burner and before we know it we completely and absolutely lose ourself.  I’ve battled with depression and mood disorders since high school.  I’m 30 years old.  Honestly, you name a drug, I’ve probably been prescribed it.  At one point I was on an Anti-psychotic, anti-depressent, AND anti-anxiety drug.  The doctors and therapist I would see were HORRIBLE. They really just confused me more.  The drugs made me feel so emotionless.  I am not against drugs to help someone.  I was a mess those first months after giving birth to twin boys…alone and a mess, and drugs helped me.

They helped me refrain from curling up in the fetal position and crying myself to death.  For the next four years I saw therapist and took the drugs.  The really hard part was losing my creativity.  The drugs numbed me from that. I had really become accustomed to the numbing, though. I had been doing it for years with alcohol and drugs – granted this was BEFORE becoming a mom.  I became a bit obsessed with that numbness.  Until, I just had enough.

Two months ago I stopped taking my medication.  I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. DOCTORS DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS.  Okay, now that I have said that.  I feel great.  I feel happy and great.  Honestly though, it hasn’t been an easy 2 months for me.  But, you know what the doctors never really talked to me about, getting off the drugs.  They never talked to me about taking better care of myself either.

This was really a gradual thing. I knew I wanted to stop taking them.  I didn’t just wake up two months ago and quit.  I started the process long before that.  It really started two YEARS ago when I started going to church.  I’ve never been much of a preacher, so I won’t start now.  I will tell you this, my spirituality has been a wonderful healer.  I believe very strongly that God is real and he has helped me.  I won’t go any further with this, but it was the beginning for me getting out of my depression.  I’ll share with you some more of my “wisdom”

• QUIT SMOKING AND DRINKING  these are both drugs, and they DO affect your mood.  I no longer use alcohol as a stress reliever.  I also stopped using it as a reward.  “I deserve this drink after the week I had,”  I used to say that ALL the time.  Who hasn’t? I really do believe this has been very beneficial.  Smoking has been pretty hard too.  Its been awhile since I have smoked.  I feel soo much better.  I can Actually BREATHE.
• PRAY I know havent I already been through this?  Yes, I have, but you wouldnt believe the weight that is lifted off my shoulders after I “hand-off” my worries for the evening.  You can pray about anything.  Just release your fears.  Spirituality is really important.  Find what works for you.  Try meditating.  Repeat one feel good phrase over and over again in relaxed position.  “I am a good person” or “I am beautiful”  It may sound silly, but do it when you have those few minutes before bed to yourself.  Just try it.
• EXERCISE  this has been the most powerful drug, yet.  I try to run at least 5 times a week.  How do you I find the time you ask?  I MAKE the time.  I try and take my kids to grandmas a little earlier before work.  Sometimes Im able to just fit in 20 minutes of running.  Its worth it.  I have never felt better.  Honestly.  Now, both of my kids start pre-school and I will take FULL advantage of that time.  Housework can wait.  Get outside and breath some fresh air.
• GET OUTSIDE sunlight is so good for you.  You have to have it.  It may seem impossible sometimes to get out of that bed, but PUSH yourself.  Eat a snack outside with your kiddos for 20 minutes.  Nothing special, crackers, cheese and apples.
• EAT HEALTHY Ha, this I’m still working on.  I do stay away from greasy food.  I can really tell how much it weighs me down.  My weakness is bacon, but I usually try to pair it with an apple.  Um, is that bad?  Oh, and chocolate.  SO, I do have my downfalls, but I make a conscious effort to eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables…and I pass that on to my kids.  They don’t need to know about my chocolate stash in my sock drawer, now do they?
• CUT BACK ON CAFFEINE this is another one that has been really hard for me.  I am actually in the process of trying something called Yerba Mate.  Its supposed to have the same benefits as Green tea, but can be found in “coffee ground” form.  So I will soon be giving that a whirl.
• KEEP A JOURNAL  just something you can keep your thoughts and emotions in…make it your own.  It took me awhile and I’m still not  100% consistent, but I have kept a journal for the past 10 years..I have books and books of my own thoughts.  It helps just to write out your frustrations, joys..etc

I know that everyone is different.  These are things that have helped me so far.  My journey is still new, and my course is constantly changing.  I really feel that adopting and keeping a healthy lifestyle is key.  Surround yourself with upbeat and positive people.  Don’t lose yourself, take care of yourself.

Depression.  This is a topic that I can relate myself with, all too well, especially as a single mom.  It doesn’t matter how we arrived at being a single mom, whether widowed, divorced, or single after having a live in partner that resulted in children. We are at a 40% greater risk of becoming clinically depressed than moms who have a husband or life partner.

According to a few studies that I have read, it seems there are two common factors involved.  We have greater stress and less social support. I find this to be true in my own circumstances.  It takes a lot more daily work for one person to maintain a home and support a family than it does two. Even when the absent parent is financially supportive, we mom’s still have to work an outside job, as well as keep up our household chores.

I believe one of the greatest stresses we have on us is lack of sleep. We tend to save work for after the children go to sleep, so that we can be active in their lives while they are awake.  Add to that, all the other stresses that we are under, which include, financial issue surrounding maintaining a home, quality time with our children, broken dreams, visitation and child support issues, as well as the emotional feelings related to some of those issues, and it’s any wonder we make it through each day with a head full of hair.

Is there any hope in avoiding depression?  The answer I’ve found, yes there is. The first thing we need to do is remember that other people may not understand how we feel, and WE must not be offended by their lack of initial understanding.  One thing a single mom should do is immediately seek mental and medical help if she feels herself falling into a depression.  Even if she only suspects she may be depressed.

Aside from promoting good health and well being by seeing a professional, we need to develop a social support network.  If help is offered, take it.  Family and friends are often beating down the door trying to help and you need to swallow that pride and allow them. I’m not talking about letting them do everything for you.  But if your sister is over, let her help you fix dinner, fold clothes, run Johnny to his baseball practice, or keep the kids occupied and entertained while you run that errand to the grocery store.

Finally, if you are doing things for your children that they are obviously old enough to do for themselves. Stop it. Give them age appropriate chores, and guidelines.  Most children feel a sense of accomplishment when they have mastered something, and feel good knowing they have helped out.  Not to mention, it improves their sense of responsibility. While the kids are helping you out, one last thing you need to consider is “me” time.  Take ten minutes for yourself as often as you can.  It will improve your outlook immensely.

Grocery shopping and dinner can be very daunting at times. Is it because my kids are picky or they like to stick more things up their nose than in their mouth? Hmmm, not really. My twin boys are allergic to eggs and peanuts.  I never realized how bad it was or how serious I needed to take it until each one of my boys had to be rushed to the hospital two separate occasions, one child had to stay overnight.

This is when I got into serious mommy mode.  Take it from me, this is NOT something you want to mess with.  This is one issue you take time out to address no matter how busy you are.  This can be a life or death situation.  I’m not trying to scare you, I’m just trying to educate you.

First of all, this isn’t the end of the world for the kids.  There are a zillion foods that kids can eat.  There are many cookbooks and recipes out there that can cater to the allergy needs of your children.  I’ve made the most delicious chocolate chip cookies, cheesecakes, pancakes..all without the use of eggs.

Here are some steps I took to address my kids allergies and keep them safe.

• Consult a Doctor - If you suspect that your child may have an allergy to something consult his or her doctor.  This doctor will most likely refer you to a specialist that can pin point these concerns.  Keep notes on the foods that your children react to and be specific about the symptoms, this will help the doctor determine the right steps.
• READ LABELS – I honestly never really read what was in the foods I ate.  That is why Iwas VERY surprised to know that egg whites were in my vanilla ice cream I like so much.  The first few times you go grocery shopping you should do it alone.  Give yourself time to read the labels of EVERYTHING you are buying.  The FDA makes it easy. Food products are required by law to point out the trigger allergy ingredients in their products, either by highlighting or seperating at the end.  I won’t even buy products that are PROCESSED in a factory containing eggs or peanuts, it’s just too risky.
• Pass the word – Make sure that anyone and everyone that is involved in your child’s life knows of this allergy -  teachers, babysitters, friends and their parents, the cafeteria workers at your child’s school.    Also make sure they know what to do in case of a reaction.
• Action Plan – Make sure YOU know what to do incase of a reaction.  Carry the epi Pen with you at all times. Be sure you know how to use it correctly.
• Eating Out - Eating out doesnt have to be a nightmare.  Try calling ahead and talking to the chef or manager, ask them about their menu and tell them about your child’s allergies.  Make sure they are able to cater to your child’s needs.  If you can’t call ahead, ask a manager when you sit.  Ask a manager or chef. FYI, I once asked our server if the chicken fingers had egg in them. She said no, but once they were delivered I could tell by the batter that my kids could not eat them.  Also, talk about cross contamination. Make sure that your child’s food is not prepared with the foods they are allergic to.
• Be creative -  The one good thing about all this is that I make a lot more from scratch.  That way I know every single thing that goes into the foods.  My kids eat a lot healthier too.   Also, always have alternative snacks when your kids have play dates, preschool, etc in case the snacks served aren’t friendly for your kids.

Alright, so, I’m not proud of this, but the other day we were rushing through the store and my son  picked up a candy bar and said does this have eggs in it…and, well, in order to avoid a melt down I said “yes.” He put back the candy bar.  Hey, I don’t always do the right thing, and I’ll probably do the wrong thing again. Case closed.

I write from the point of view of a divorced parent.  Keeping this in mind, it’s important to remember that you aren’t the only single parent in the family.  When you become single, there are a couple of options when it comes to the custody of your children.  You may have physical custody, with the father having weekend and holiday visits, or it may be reversed, you may be the one who is the part time parent.  You may have split joint custody with the year divided evenly between both homes for the children.  You may even have a situation where the father or yourself live far from the children and there is only limited visitation for a few a weeks a year and occasional holidays.

Whatever your custody and visitation situation is, the most important thing to consider is consistency.  I’m speaking of rules and disciplinary actions.  The major rules should be upheld in both homes.  I don’t mean that one parent can make all the rules and the other parent needs to follow them.  If possible, you need to sit down and discuss what are the most important, or the major rules, and which ones are not major.  Letting Johnny have an ice cream an hour before dinner is not going hurt him, but letting him invite friends in while you leave him home alone for 8 hours while you work may not be the wisest idea.

Deciding which rules are the most important depends on the responsibilities you want to teach your children.  They also depend on how much you want them to learn to respect rules in the future when they are grown.  And most of all, you want them to understand that they won’t get away with doing things in one home that they wouldn’t get away with in the other home.  Consistency in punishment, and carrying the punishment from one home to the other, needs to be agreed upon as well.  If Mom grounds Johnny for a week, and Dad has a visit with Johnny over the weekend during that week, he should up hold the grounding, if that is what you have agreed upon.  The same goes if the punishment comes from Dad’s home back to Mom’s.

The upside of a partnership with the father on this matter is that there is one less thing for the parents of the children to be at arms over.  This helps the children adjust to going from one home to the other. There will be some changes in the lifestyle of living with either parent, but knowing that both parents are in agreement over the rules and punishment helps give consistency to the children’s lives.  This holds true with dinner times, bed times, television viewing, video games, and computer time.  Whatever the rules were that help to form a child into the adult he will become while in a two parent home, should still exist in the single parent home.  In the best interest of the children, rules are good and should be consistent. Everywhere.

Four years ago when my children were just fetuses in my belly, I witnessed every temper tantrum thrown by toddlers.  They usually occurred right in the middle of stores, kids on the ground stomping their feet, screaming like wild banshies.  The mothers were usually helpless and gave into these wild children.  I bet you at one point thought or said these words “My child will NEVER be like that.” or “I would NEVER give into that.”

Fast forward three years, I am in a store and I witness a child meltdown.  Only this time, I don’t roll my eyes or say that “my children would NEVER do that.”  I actually have sympathy for this mother.  Why, you ask? Well, because I AM THE MOTHER.  Yep, it happened.  The very idea of handing my out of control child WHATEVER he wanted didn’t seem all that wrong, if only to make it all go away.

Rewarding my childs temper tantrum didn’t seem so bad after all.  The very thing that had us shocked and appalled not so long ago now makes perfect sense.  Alright, alright, we know that realistically this is NOT the best way to handle the situation.  I’ve done it, yep.  Bought them both a DVD  just to make it ALL go away…um, does it matter that I ended up taking them back?  NOPE, not to the kids…I only taught them that throwing a temper tantrum means a reward.

Just so you know, i no longer do this.  NO, i dont keep them locked in the basement away from the public eye.  NO, they didnt completely quit throwing fits.  It is something that just happens, and usually it’s just bad timing on my part.  To help, I watched a lot of Nanny 911 and read a lot of blogs from other mothers and found what works for me and my kiddos.  Remember, this is just what works for ME.

• PREVENTION - Make sure your child is not tired or hungry when doing an errand.  Even I’ve probably been known to throw a tantrum or two when I’m tired and hungry.  I understand that sometimes this isn’t possible, just be prepared for a meltdown
• DONT LOSE COOL remain calm.  Try to NOT focus on the people around you and their response.  Stay in control.  If YOU, the adult, the parent, loses their cool…the situation is in deep trouble.
• QUICK DISTRACTION if possible. Try and distract them when you can feel it coming…WOW, DID YOU SEE THAT?!
• REMOVE CHILD from public eye.  Take the child outside on a bench or better yet to the car, buckle them in and let them calm down.  I understand that if you are in the middle of checking out with a cart load of groceries, maybe this is not possible.  Most likely the cashier will be moving a little quicker for you.
• DO NOT GIVE IN Never, never give in, because the child will think that his behavior warrants a reward…IT DOESN’T
• TALK once your child calms down. Let them know the behavior was not appropriate…have a real talk with them.

These are just a few things I’ve picked up from other parents, talk show hosts and tv shows.  This may not work for you.  All situations are different and require a much analyzed approach.  I wish you luck in your next child tantrum experience.

My intentions for my first bloggity blog were to write about  Budgeting for Single Parents. Well, seeing that my bank just called and said i was “x” amount of dollars overdrawn, I think we’ll work on that another day.  Hey, it happens, and YES I am frustrated.  Here is the thing though, after 3+ years, I am FINALLY off assistance.

Needless to say things are tight, hectic and I mess up here and there. I’ve learned to give myself some slack.   But, overall, I’m doing it…we’re doing it.  The real kicker is that I’m happier, calmer and broker (more broke) than I have been for ages.  Sane?  Now that is another story.  Basically I feel it’s overrated.  I will, however, lend to you some advice on keeping a quasi-sane life.

Tips on Staying Sane:

• Bedtime, EARLY, kids not you…it took me about a week of sleepless nights to get my kids to realize I meant business…but I stuck to my guns and don’t regret it at all!!! Now I rarely, if at all, get any arguments when I say bedtime.  (Keep in mind, this usually means getting up early in the morning, but it is completely worth it!)
• Establish a Routine – This sometimes is not an easy task, especially if your schedule is as hectic as mine.   BUT, bedtime means we have the same routine everynight, brush teeth, each one of my two sons picks a book that I read to them, they each tell me about their day, tucked in, kisses, prayer and gooooodnight.  I rarely, if ever, stray from that ROUTINE.
• Network with other single moms -  These ladies get it. They know what you are going through.  This has been very valuable to me for a number of reasons, and not just because you just gained a free babysitter…(of course you reciprocate the gesture)
• Accept Help - Never be too proud to accept help if you need it.  In the end you will be better fit (mentally, physically AND emotionally) to care for your children.  If you need assistance, get it, that is why it’s there.  Yes, I’m talking welfare.  You wont be on it for ever. Think about the writer for Harry Potter, yep, she was on welfare.
• Separate Need from Want - Be a good example to your children.  De-value material possessions.  Start this early.  It may be rare, but if you ever have “extra” money…spend it on “adventures” not “things”…the kids really will be much happier, take my word for it!
• DONT GET CABLE. – I’m telling you DON’T do it.  Turn the TV off.  Put that money aside for something else.  My kids will rarely see me watching tv. I either have a book in my hand or I’m writing.  Teach the kids to play.  Nix the word “bored” outta their vocabulary.  It does not exist.
• Find a good church.  And go. – I never considered myself a religious person..nope NEVER.  But this has been such a saving grace.  I actually love going to church.  It is an amazing support system, and and unbelievable comfort.  Spirituality is so important to me AND my kids.  When you think you have no one…you have God.  That’s all I’m going to say about that… done.

Well, as an introduction blog, I think that should do it.  I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you or myself.

Remember, Sanity…IS overrated.