I don’t hide the fact that I am a fan of the Supernanny! I probably watch less than 7 hours of tv a week, 75% of that is Supernanny. It’s comforting to watch. It’s nice to know that even the “wildest” of children can be “tamed.”  Keep in mind, I use these terms very loosely.  It is also a way for me to realize my boys aren’t too shabby and I’m able to give myself a little pat on the back.

One of Supernanny’s many “go-to” resources is a routine. It is a known fact, like 1+1= 2, that kids need and love structure.   My personality, at times, can reflect a routine nightmare.  This is coming from the woman that has lived her life in a constant state of whimsy.  I moved to a foreign country by myself for a year, decided I wanted to live in Seattle for a summer, then packed and left the next day.  Decided to join Americorps, packed and left to live on the east coast for about 3 years in one day.  Need I say this was all before I was a mother?  As I watched episode after episode of Supernanny, I thought maybe I needed to implement a routine, not really thinking much about it or what that would actually intale.

My conclusion:  I’m not sure it is possible.  I sat down with my cardboard and black sharpie and got to work, only to realize how different my schedule is every single day of the week.  I finally finished a schedule for Mondays and Wednesdays, only to realize that Aidan had speech therapy in the morning on Mondays and that would throw the scheduling off.  I started to think about the Supernanny and realized that most of the “routines” she devised were for stay at home moms.  I work different hours on different days.  This certaintly is not ideal, but when you are single mom and are in constant finanical survival mode, you can not always be choosey on what schedule you get.  So where does that leave me? Seven different schedules for seven different days, seven separate pieces of cardboard?  UGH, I’m making this too hard arent I?

It is now 10pm at night, I started this blog earlier in the day and I’ve had some time to reflect.  Today wasn’t on a schedule.  My kids ate at 6 (a little later than usual).  I let them have a snack at 7, because it was their birthday.  We played a game about 7:15, gave the kiddos a bath, read them each a book, tucked them into their beds, talked about their day…Their day ended at 8, without a hitch.  Loosely speaking, maybe I do have a routine.  I tell them dinner is almost ready (probably a different time everyday), without even asking, dylan is getting their table ready and chairs in place.  I start singing our clean up song ( a different time everyday) and the kids start picking up their toys while I run their bath water.  I wake the kids up by saying “its a nice day” ( a different time everyday).

What is that saying?   “Different Dips for Different chips?”  Basically, every single family is different.  I think it’s important to really know what works for you.  Finding examples that work for you is great, but no need to treat it as the holy grail, things happen and dont always go as planned.  I believe that the Supernanny is right-on with a lot of her child rearing techniques and I believe i have found a way to interpret her ideas into my life style.  “Different Jokes for different folks?”

I really do believe that structure is very important in a child’s life.  If you live a completely chaotic life, you will have completely chaotic children.  Maybe try something like this…

• We all have to get up, right?  maybe try something quirky to get the kids up.  Perhaps play some music in their doorway when its time, a kazoo, guitar, something silly.  Get the day started right.  I just say, “its a nice day” and the kids wake up 90% of the time in great moods.
• We all have to eat.  Give the kids special duties for getting table ready.  Whenever I say “Dinner/Lunch is almost ready” My kiddos are getting the table out and ready.  Praise your kids and let them know how much you appreciate their help.  It goes a long way….believe me.
• Family time…schedule it!!! Turn off the TV!!!!  We have a box full of games and I give the kids a “first call” for them to find a game we can play…or a book we can read.  Give your kids options.  It makes them feel like they are really involved.
• We all have to sleep.  I’ve discussed this before, but try to create a routine for bedtime.  Sometimes we cant complete our routine because I get out of work too late, but…more times than not we are on our schedule and it works for us.

Ok, it is 10:30 and I would still like to read, I try to every night right before bed.  I have a zillion things to do tomorrow, and none of it on my “routine”…If I were REALLY going to plan my week out, it would be on a dry errase board and I would do it the night before and..hey, now there is an idea…anyway, goodnight all!

I love Supernanny. I’ve seen countless episodes. Different families with different problems, except one…bedtime. I cant remember the last time Jo (that’s supernanny) did not have to deal with a problem at bedtime.  I hear so many parents saying “I wish my kids would go to bed early.”  Um, you ARE the parent, right?  I just shake my head and think of how great my kids are at bedtime, and ALWAYS have been.

Ok, Ok, I just choked on my own laugh with that last comment.  I used to DREAD bedtime, because it was such a stressful and LONG process.  But now, my kids get 11-12 hours of sleep and I am a happy mom, EVEN at 6:30am.  Bedtime for your kids is not only healthy for them, its also Healthy for mom.  This did not happen overnight, mainly because I wavered a little from the rules.  I learned VERY quickly that you have to follow the rules EXACTLY.

What ARE the rules you ask?  I would like to tell you I thought these up on my own and here is my patent number, but, I didn’t.  I stole the rules right from Supernanny.  I did not even ask permission I just did it and now I will pass them on to you.  Ready?  Here they are…TaDa

• Follow a CALMING bedtime routine.
• Before he gets into bed make sure he has no reason to get up.  (He has gone to the bathroom, had a little water and after all of this, make sure you make it clear that you now expect him to stay in bed)

NOW, the following are the rules within the rules.  Basically what to do after all this and he makes his 1st to 21st (or whatever) attempt at getting out of bed.

• The first time he gets up, remind him it is bedtime, lead him back to bed and give him a kiss and a cuddle and leave the bedroom.
• The second time do the same but use a firmer voice and make the kiss and cuddle brief.
• The third time and any times after say nothing as you lead him back to his bed, tuck him in and leave the room.

The last one is where I wavered, and it is really the most important to stick to.  I have also seen variations of this technique on the show.  She will sometimes have the parent do all the following but instead of leave the room, she will have them step away from the bed, sit down with your head down.  This is to provide the child with some comfort.  She has the parent wait until the child is asleep to leave.

Following these rules does not give you INSTANT results.  It took me a full week of hour long (or more) trials before it actually worked.  It was exhausting, but 100% worth it.  I have so much more ME time because of it.  I can share with you my “calming ” routine that seems to work.

Because of my schedule, I am unable to get the kids to bed at the same time EVERY night.  But, because I have stuck to my guns in the past, I have gained enough respect that when I tell my kids that they have 15 more minutes until we get ready for bed (no matter WHAT time it is) they don’t argue

• Easy on up on the sugary treats before bed (actually ALL day if you can)
• Clean up time!  They have to put ALL their toys away.
• They get to watch TV for a short time.
• I tell them they have 15 more minutes till bathtime.
• It’s bathtime…scrub scrub..dub dub.
• Teeth brushed, go to potty.
• They each pick a book for me to read.
• They go to their separate rooms.
• I sit with each one and let them tell me about their day.
• kisses, hugs and tucked in…

TADA…  Again, this is altered here and there.  Sometimes I help them pick up toys, sometimes I only read ONE book AND sometimes I’m not able to give them a bath that night.  It really all comes down to getting your kids to respect you and trust you enough that if you do have to alter the “program” they are able to flow with it with you.  Kids do need discipline and structure…actually, they LOVE it, and will respect you more for it.

You may think this just seems like an awful lot, but just think about all that time you take just trying to get your kids to bed.  You should also check out super nannys website.

My Twin boys will be 4 in less than a month. It is inevitable that they will ask. They will ask the question that haunts me. They will ask about their father.

I have made poor choices in my life, and I have finally gotten to a point where I have stopped making excuses. I am finally owning up to them.  Sometimes I wonder when Jerry Springer is going to call and ask me to be on the show.  No, my kids father is not my cousin.  Bottom line, I’m not perfect.  My life, at times, can be a bit chaotic to say the least.  I try everyday to make sense out of this chaos.  I’m growing.  I’m learning.

To be as brief as possible…I am a single mother. The children’s father lives on the east coast.  He changed all contact information when I was 9 months pregnant and had moved back home to Indiana.  It took the courts 3 years to find him and issue child support.  He has made it perfectly clear that he wants NOTHING to do with MY children.  Basically, I wanted them, I can raise them.  He has no idea what they look like and doesn’t want to know.  As harsh as this may sound, maybe it’s the best thing he could have said.  He really couldn’t have said it any clearer and made me understand any better.

But, well, now what?  How am I supposed to explain this to my children?  Is there a right answer?  I suppose maybe…a little.  The right answer would be any that doesn’t make my children feel like they have done anything wrong.  There are times when I think, “couldn’t I just tell them he is dead”…I know STUPID STUPID idea, but, I really cant help some of the thoughts that enter into this head of mine.

They WILL ask.  It’s in our nature to want to know where we come from. I’ve read that you should keep it simple and honest.  This makes sense.  I get that.  You almost have to try and figure out a way to get into that four year old head “hmm, if I were four years old what answer would satisfy me, what answer would make me feel the least crummy?”

The truth is, it’s okay to not know the answer.  It’s okay to throw your hands in the air and say I DON’T KNOW.  It doesn’t make you a bad mother.  I have googled the holy heck out of this topic because I needed advice.  I admitted that I didn’t know what to say about my children’s absent father.  What it comes down to, and what I mentioned earlier is keep it brief, honest and simple.  “Aidan, Dylan, your fathers name is (whatever).  He lives far away and is unable to see you.”  Something like that, maybe.  What can I say, I’m still working on it.

The key is to not be unkind and say negative and hurtful things about this man.  As much as we may hate it, our kids are genetically connected to this man.  Never let them hear you bash their father.  Save this for your journal.

I’m not so much writing this to give advice.  Im writing this because maybe there is someone out there that needs to know they are not alone.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Surround your children with love and good role models.  Keep your head up, you’ll get through this.  WE will get through this, together.

When I first thought through this topic, I thought I would be writing about single mom’s and how they use the Bible.  But on further contemplation, I believe it’s about single mothers who are written about in the Bible. Who would care about those women from a time long ago?  This is a different day and age. The trials, tribulations and stress that we deal with on a day to day basis are surely quite different from those that these women lived in a few thousand years ago.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that they do face many of the same issues and worse than we do today.  And the one thing that we all have in common is ‘faith’.  The women who are written about in the Bible had a strong enduring love and faith for God.  There may be some who will read this and say to themselves that they don’t believe in God, or they don’t believe in MY God.  But that does not mean that they don’t have faith.  Or that they don’t have the strong love for what they do believe in.

So I went about looking for mention for single mothers in the Bible and I found that the bible barely addresses them. There are, however, many examples of God’s gentle interaction with women, mothers, widows and their children. These examples apply whether a mother is single or married or widowed or divorced. God knows each person intimately, and knows her situation completely. The Bible warns that sex outside of marriage is sinful and dangerous, and will bring troubles, one of which is that a woman might have to raise a child by herself, which is undoubtedly difficult. And if it is her own sin that has resulted in single motherhood, God is still just as willing to bring help and comfort.

Is it my job to preach to each of you single mom’s out there about pre-marital….or NO-marital sex?  No, it’s not.  But that seems to be the biggest part of what the Bible stresses in regards to single mothers.  I expected to find the stories of those mothers who lost their husbands and raised their son’s to adulthood despite the plagues and laws that came about during the biblical years.  How they raised those son’s to be God-fearing, and triumphant in the face of temptation.  But the writers of the Bible didn’t choose to write that way.

We know the story of Moses, but he was raised in a palace by the Pharaoh’s wife, and I don’t believe it is clear that his birth mother was a single woman or not.  Even later when he met her again, the children were grown and I still don’t find it clear whether a husband and father was around.  The one thing I do get from the Bible is that many of the women were very strong. And in some way managed to hold their family together or provide for them while their ‘men’ were out of the home.

Being a parent is hard.  Being a SINGLE parent is hard.  It gets overwhelming.  Our own needs and feelings get put on the back burner and before we know it we completely and absolutely lose ourself.  I’ve battled with depression and mood disorders since high school.  I’m 30 years old.  Honestly, you name a drug, I’ve probably been prescribed it.  At one point I was on an Anti-psychotic, anti-depressent, AND anti-anxiety drug.  The doctors and therapist I would see were HORRIBLE. They really just confused me more.  The drugs made me feel so emotionless.  I am not against drugs to help someone.  I was a mess those first months after giving birth to twin boys…alone and a mess, and drugs helped me.

They helped me refrain from curling up in the fetal position and crying myself to death.  For the next four years I saw therapist and took the drugs.  The really hard part was losing my creativity.  The drugs numbed me from that. I had really become accustomed to the numbing, though. I had been doing it for years with alcohol and drugs – granted this was BEFORE becoming a mom.  I became a bit obsessed with that numbness.  Until, I just had enough.

Two months ago I stopped taking my medication.  I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS. DOCTORS DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS.  Okay, now that I have said that.  I feel great.  I feel happy and great.  Honestly though, it hasn’t been an easy 2 months for me.  But, you know what the doctors never really talked to me about, getting off the drugs.  They never talked to me about taking better care of myself either.

This was really a gradual thing. I knew I wanted to stop taking them.  I didn’t just wake up two months ago and quit.  I started the process long before that.  It really started two YEARS ago when I started going to church.  I’ve never been much of a preacher, so I won’t start now.  I will tell you this, my spirituality has been a wonderful healer.  I believe very strongly that God is real and he has helped me.  I won’t go any further with this, but it was the beginning for me getting out of my depression.  I’ll share with you some more of my “wisdom”

• QUIT SMOKING AND DRINKING  these are both drugs, and they DO affect your mood.  I no longer use alcohol as a stress reliever.  I also stopped using it as a reward.  “I deserve this drink after the week I had,”  I used to say that ALL the time.  Who hasn’t? I really do believe this has been very beneficial.  Smoking has been pretty hard too.  Its been awhile since I have smoked.  I feel soo much better.  I can Actually BREATHE.
• PRAY I know havent I already been through this?  Yes, I have, but you wouldnt believe the weight that is lifted off my shoulders after I “hand-off” my worries for the evening.  You can pray about anything.  Just release your fears.  Spirituality is really important.  Find what works for you.  Try meditating.  Repeat one feel good phrase over and over again in relaxed position.  “I am a good person” or “I am beautiful”  It may sound silly, but do it when you have those few minutes before bed to yourself.  Just try it.
• EXERCISE  this has been the most powerful drug, yet.  I try to run at least 5 times a week.  How do you I find the time you ask?  I MAKE the time.  I try and take my kids to grandmas a little earlier before work.  Sometimes Im able to just fit in 20 minutes of running.  Its worth it.  I have never felt better.  Honestly.  Now, both of my kids start pre-school and I will take FULL advantage of that time.  Housework can wait.  Get outside and breath some fresh air.
• GET OUTSIDE sunlight is so good for you.  You have to have it.  It may seem impossible sometimes to get out of that bed, but PUSH yourself.  Eat a snack outside with your kiddos for 20 minutes.  Nothing special, crackers, cheese and apples.
• EAT HEALTHY Ha, this I’m still working on.  I do stay away from greasy food.  I can really tell how much it weighs me down.  My weakness is bacon, but I usually try to pair it with an apple.  Um, is that bad?  Oh, and chocolate.  SO, I do have my downfalls, but I make a conscious effort to eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables…and I pass that on to my kids.  They don’t need to know about my chocolate stash in my sock drawer, now do they?
• CUT BACK ON CAFFEINE this is another one that has been really hard for me.  I am actually in the process of trying something called Yerba Mate.  Its supposed to have the same benefits as Green tea, but can be found in “coffee ground” form.  So I will soon be giving that a whirl.
• KEEP A JOURNAL  just something you can keep your thoughts and emotions in…make it your own.  It took me awhile and I’m still not  100% consistent, but I have kept a journal for the past 10 years..I have books and books of my own thoughts.  It helps just to write out your frustrations, joys..etc

I know that everyone is different.  These are things that have helped me so far.  My journey is still new, and my course is constantly changing.  I really feel that adopting and keeping a healthy lifestyle is key.  Surround yourself with upbeat and positive people.  Don’t lose yourself, take care of yourself.

Depression.  This is a topic that I can relate myself with, all too well, especially as a single mom.  It doesn’t matter how we arrived at being a single mom, whether widowed, divorced, or single after having a live in partner that resulted in children. We are at a 40% greater risk of becoming clinically depressed than moms who have a husband or life partner.

According to a few studies that I have read, it seems there are two common factors involved.  We have greater stress and less social support. I find this to be true in my own circumstances.  It takes a lot more daily work for one person to maintain a home and support a family than it does two. Even when the absent parent is financially supportive, we mom’s still have to work an outside job, as well as keep up our household chores.

I believe one of the greatest stresses we have on us is lack of sleep. We tend to save work for after the children go to sleep, so that we can be active in their lives while they are awake.  Add to that, all the other stresses that we are under, which include, financial issue surrounding maintaining a home, quality time with our children, broken dreams, visitation and child support issues, as well as the emotional feelings related to some of those issues, and it’s any wonder we make it through each day with a head full of hair.

Is there any hope in avoiding depression?  The answer I’ve found, yes there is. The first thing we need to do is remember that other people may not understand how we feel, and WE must not be offended by their lack of initial understanding.  One thing a single mom should do is immediately seek mental and medical help if she feels herself falling into a depression.  Even if she only suspects she may be depressed.

Aside from promoting good health and well being by seeing a professional, we need to develop a social support network.  If help is offered, take it.  Family and friends are often beating down the door trying to help and you need to swallow that pride and allow them. I’m not talking about letting them do everything for you.  But if your sister is over, let her help you fix dinner, fold clothes, run Johnny to his baseball practice, or keep the kids occupied and entertained while you run that errand to the grocery store.

Finally, if you are doing things for your children that they are obviously old enough to do for themselves. Stop it. Give them age appropriate chores, and guidelines.  Most children feel a sense of accomplishment when they have mastered something, and feel good knowing they have helped out.  Not to mention, it improves their sense of responsibility. While the kids are helping you out, one last thing you need to consider is “me” time.  Take ten minutes for yourself as often as you can.  It will improve your outlook immensely.

Grocery shopping and dinner can be very daunting at times. Is it because my kids are picky or they like to stick more things up their nose than in their mouth? Hmmm, not really. My twin boys are allergic to eggs and peanuts.  I never realized how bad it was or how serious I needed to take it until each one of my boys had to be rushed to the hospital two separate occasions, one child had to stay overnight.

This is when I got into serious mommy mode.  Take it from me, this is NOT something you want to mess with.  This is one issue you take time out to address no matter how busy you are.  This can be a life or death situation.  I’m not trying to scare you, I’m just trying to educate you.

First of all, this isn’t the end of the world for the kids.  There are a zillion foods that kids can eat.  There are many cookbooks and recipes out there that can cater to the allergy needs of your children.  I’ve made the most delicious chocolate chip cookies, cheesecakes, pancakes..all without the use of eggs.

Here are some steps I took to address my kids allergies and keep them safe.

• Consult a Doctor - If you suspect that your child may have an allergy to something consult his or her doctor.  This doctor will most likely refer you to a specialist that can pin point these concerns.  Keep notes on the foods that your children react to and be specific about the symptoms, this will help the doctor determine the right steps.
• READ LABELS – I honestly never really read what was in the foods I ate.  That is why Iwas VERY surprised to know that egg whites were in my vanilla ice cream I like so much.  The first few times you go grocery shopping you should do it alone.  Give yourself time to read the labels of EVERYTHING you are buying.  The FDA makes it easy. Food products are required by law to point out the trigger allergy ingredients in their products, either by highlighting or seperating at the end.  I won’t even buy products that are PROCESSED in a factory containing eggs or peanuts, it’s just too risky.
• Pass the word – Make sure that anyone and everyone that is involved in your child’s life knows of this allergy -  teachers, babysitters, friends and their parents, the cafeteria workers at your child’s school.    Also make sure they know what to do in case of a reaction.
• Action Plan – Make sure YOU know what to do incase of a reaction.  Carry the epi Pen with you at all times. Be sure you know how to use it correctly.
• Eating Out - Eating out doesnt have to be a nightmare.  Try calling ahead and talking to the chef or manager, ask them about their menu and tell them about your child’s allergies.  Make sure they are able to cater to your child’s needs.  If you can’t call ahead, ask a manager when you sit.  Ask a manager or chef. FYI, I once asked our server if the chicken fingers had egg in them. She said no, but once they were delivered I could tell by the batter that my kids could not eat them.  Also, talk about cross contamination. Make sure that your child’s food is not prepared with the foods they are allergic to.
• Be creative -  The one good thing about all this is that I make a lot more from scratch.  That way I know every single thing that goes into the foods.  My kids eat a lot healthier too.   Also, always have alternative snacks when your kids have play dates, preschool, etc in case the snacks served aren’t friendly for your kids.

Alright, so, I’m not proud of this, but the other day we were rushing through the store and my son  picked up a candy bar and said does this have eggs in it…and, well, in order to avoid a melt down I said “yes.” He put back the candy bar.  Hey, I don’t always do the right thing, and I’ll probably do the wrong thing again. Case closed.

The past couple days haven’t really been that smooth. I got in a fender bender … fully my fault. While making dinner yesterday, I sliced my finger on my newly sharpened knife…to the bone, I might add. The roast ended up being tough, the blueberry pie concoction turned into soup.

I can’t get my son Dylan to eat.  Tonight, it has taken me 1.5 hours to get my kids asleep. I did everything I usually do – bath, brush teeth, read book…but something about the universe isnt right. OHM, “I curse you Universe”…So, here I am on my blog thinking “I’M supposed to give YOU advice?!”

Then, I take a deep breath and realize I DO tend to be a bit overdramatic … sometimes I even think I missed my calling as an actress.  Honestly, i have a higher percentage of good days versus bad.  Blogging about all this though, has made me think of those good days…it usually involves a mini-adventure created by yours truly.

I’m always trying to come up with quirky things to do with my kids.  Here are some fairly inexpensive adventures.

• Drive-in movie theaters -  This site gives you locations and prices for theaters in Indiana.  This seems cheaper than trying to go to the INDOOR theaters anymore … bring your own snacks, wear pajamas, shoes optional…
• Museums -  I like to take my kids to Peru, IN to the Grissom Air Museum.  They love planes and it’s free for them to get in and $3.50 for adults.  There are picnic tables so pack a lunch.  LaPorte indiana has a train museum that is free admission. It is called the Hesston Steam Museum.  The Indianapolis Childrens Museum is free on certain holidays (be prepared for it to be crowded..Trust me, I took the kids on Presidents Day!)
• Take advantage of the many parks in Indiana. Missinewa is a great place to take kids.  It has a beach, places to grill, trails, country store.  It is only $4 on the weekdays and $5 on weekends for each vehicle.  Pack a cooler and make a day of it. Dont forget the sunscreen.  Take advantage of the In.gov site to  find out all the great parks in Indiana.  It doesnt even have to be a fancy park.  For small children, taking them to a new swing set on the other side of town can be good enough.
• Festivals - most festivals offer free entertainment and free admission.  Take advantage of this.
• Do something cooky. Plan a trip to see the Biggest Ball of Paint in Alexandria, IN.  Get your picture taken with this giant ball of paint.
• Make use of your Public Library.  I’m not just saying this because I work in one either.  Most libraries have programs that caetor to small children.

Sometimes, even the price of gas can be daunting.  So, don’t leave the house!

• Picnic outside. For some reason my kids eat better when I tell them we are eating outside.  My kids are 4, you can basically turn ANYTHING into an adventure.
• Movie night. Pick one of your old time Disney favorites and watch it with the kids.  Make popcorn, cuddle and enjoy the time together.
• Cook together. I LOVE to cook.  So, sometimes we make homemade pizzas, bread and all.  The kids LOVE to pick out their toppings and watch it come together in the oven.

I remember that first ultrasound. What a sight i must have been, walking into that room, alone, but as confident and cool as ever. After a few minutes, the technician pauses and says “congratulations, you are having twins.”

WHAT?! Um, no, please check again. I think I cried a millisecond after she said that, and rambled and babbled. What was I going to do? How was I going to do this on my own? There was NO WAY I could do this, right? Things don’t always go as we plan.

Fast forward 4 years and I am the proud parent of twin boys. I did it. Not only have I managed to raise these boys to FOUR years old, I am slowly learning to raise one of them with special needs. It’s not easy, nothing is, but I would not trade my boys, even on their worst days, for anything else in the world.

My son Aidan has an unknown disease. This disease prevents him from walking, has some developmental delays, and we deal with some minor breathing problems. None of this has stopped me from feeling blessed and grateful about my life. I really believe my sons and I are soul mates.
How do I do it?

I reach out for help. I am not too proud to know that I can’t do this on my own.  I was VERY fortunate to have a lot of angels come my way.  Make these people a part of your network.  Being grateful, thankful and kind will keep these people in your life a very long time.

I take better care of myself as a mother…I used to be a smoker, drinker, unhealthy eater, never exercised…you know, basic mother of the year…I’m changing, and I feel better than ever. (BTW I did take good care of myself WHILE pregnant)

I ask questions. I was in the Doctor’s office the other day and I KNOW my doctor was trying to explain to me in the SIMPLEST of  terms, but I still did not get it.  I did not leave that office until I did.

Find a support group. This is really something I have not done, and it IS on my to do list.  I find a lot of support through my church and friends.  Since my son does have an UNKNOWN disease, it’s hard to find a specific one that can relate to our situation.  I know, excuses will get me nowhere.  I am on it!

Take advantage of resources. My son has speech, physical and occupational therapy once a week.  I RARELY miss an appointment.  These people are wonderful educational resources.  This is what they do for a living, use them.

Keep things normal. What I mean by this, basically my twin boys have the same bed times, same rules, same discipline.  We have routines.  We read books.  We go to the park.  Keeping certain parts of our lives “normal” has really worked for me.

I honestly feel we are never given more than we can handle.  My kids were given a bath, I read them 3 books, put them to bed and asked each of them to tell me about their day.  Aidan told me he “went to the city, climbed a ladder, saved a dog on a roof.”  Hmmm, How was my day you ask?…I just completed another day of raising twin boys…all in a day’s work.

I write from the point of view of a divorced parent.  Keeping this in mind, it’s important to remember that you aren’t the only single parent in the family.  When you become single, there are a couple of options when it comes to the custody of your children.  You may have physical custody, with the father having weekend and holiday visits, or it may be reversed, you may be the one who is the part time parent.  You may have split joint custody with the year divided evenly between both homes for the children.  You may even have a situation where the father or yourself live far from the children and there is only limited visitation for a few a weeks a year and occasional holidays.

Whatever your custody and visitation situation is, the most important thing to consider is consistency.  I’m speaking of rules and disciplinary actions.  The major rules should be upheld in both homes.  I don’t mean that one parent can make all the rules and the other parent needs to follow them.  If possible, you need to sit down and discuss what are the most important, or the major rules, and which ones are not major.  Letting Johnny have an ice cream an hour before dinner is not going hurt him, but letting him invite friends in while you leave him home alone for 8 hours while you work may not be the wisest idea.

Deciding which rules are the most important depends on the responsibilities you want to teach your children.  They also depend on how much you want them to learn to respect rules in the future when they are grown.  And most of all, you want them to understand that they won’t get away with doing things in one home that they wouldn’t get away with in the other home.  Consistency in punishment, and carrying the punishment from one home to the other, needs to be agreed upon as well.  If Mom grounds Johnny for a week, and Dad has a visit with Johnny over the weekend during that week, he should up hold the grounding, if that is what you have agreed upon.  The same goes if the punishment comes from Dad’s home back to Mom’s.

The upside of a partnership with the father on this matter is that there is one less thing for the parents of the children to be at arms over.  This helps the children adjust to going from one home to the other. There will be some changes in the lifestyle of living with either parent, but knowing that both parents are in agreement over the rules and punishment helps give consistency to the children’s lives.  This holds true with dinner times, bed times, television viewing, video games, and computer time.  Whatever the rules were that help to form a child into the adult he will become while in a two parent home, should still exist in the single parent home.  In the best interest of the children, rules are good and should be consistent. Everywhere.

Four years ago when my children were just fetuses in my belly, I witnessed every temper tantrum thrown by toddlers.  They usually occurred right in the middle of stores, kids on the ground stomping their feet, screaming like wild banshies.  The mothers were usually helpless and gave into these wild children.  I bet you at one point thought or said these words “My child will NEVER be like that.” or “I would NEVER give into that.”

Fast forward three years, I am in a store and I witness a child meltdown.  Only this time, I don’t roll my eyes or say that “my children would NEVER do that.”  I actually have sympathy for this mother.  Why, you ask? Well, because I AM THE MOTHER.  Yep, it happened.  The very idea of handing my out of control child WHATEVER he wanted didn’t seem all that wrong, if only to make it all go away.

Rewarding my childs temper tantrum didn’t seem so bad after all.  The very thing that had us shocked and appalled not so long ago now makes perfect sense.  Alright, alright, we know that realistically this is NOT the best way to handle the situation.  I’ve done it, yep.  Bought them both a DVD  just to make it ALL go away…um, does it matter that I ended up taking them back?  NOPE, not to the kids…I only taught them that throwing a temper tantrum means a reward.

Just so you know, i no longer do this.  NO, i dont keep them locked in the basement away from the public eye.  NO, they didnt completely quit throwing fits.  It is something that just happens, and usually it’s just bad timing on my part.  To help, I watched a lot of Nanny 911 and read a lot of blogs from other mothers and found what works for me and my kiddos.  Remember, this is just what works for ME.

• PREVENTION - Make sure your child is not tired or hungry when doing an errand.  Even I’ve probably been known to throw a tantrum or two when I’m tired and hungry.  I understand that sometimes this isn’t possible, just be prepared for a meltdown
• DONT LOSE COOL remain calm.  Try to NOT focus on the people around you and their response.  Stay in control.  If YOU, the adult, the parent, loses their cool…the situation is in deep trouble.
• QUICK DISTRACTION if possible. Try and distract them when you can feel it coming…WOW, DID YOU SEE THAT?!
• REMOVE CHILD from public eye.  Take the child outside on a bench or better yet to the car, buckle them in and let them calm down.  I understand that if you are in the middle of checking out with a cart load of groceries, maybe this is not possible.  Most likely the cashier will be moving a little quicker for you.
• DO NOT GIVE IN Never, never give in, because the child will think that his behavior warrants a reward…IT DOESN’T
• TALK once your child calms down. Let them know the behavior was not appropriate…have a real talk with them.

These are just a few things I’ve picked up from other parents, talk show hosts and tv shows.  This may not work for you.  All situations are different and require a much analyzed approach.  I wish you luck in your next child tantrum experience.

My intentions for my first bloggity blog were to write about  Budgeting for Single Parents. Well, seeing that my bank just called and said i was “x” amount of dollars overdrawn, I think we’ll work on that another day.  Hey, it happens, and YES I am frustrated.  Here is the thing though, after 3+ years, I am FINALLY off assistance.

Needless to say things are tight, hectic and I mess up here and there. I’ve learned to give myself some slack.   But, overall, I’m doing it…we’re doing it.  The real kicker is that I’m happier, calmer and broker (more broke) than I have been for ages.  Sane?  Now that is another story.  Basically I feel it’s overrated.  I will, however, lend to you some advice on keeping a quasi-sane life.

Tips on Staying Sane:

• Bedtime, EARLY, kids not you…it took me about a week of sleepless nights to get my kids to realize I meant business…but I stuck to my guns and don’t regret it at all!!! Now I rarely, if at all, get any arguments when I say bedtime.  (Keep in mind, this usually means getting up early in the morning, but it is completely worth it!)
• Establish a Routine – This sometimes is not an easy task, especially if your schedule is as hectic as mine.   BUT, bedtime means we have the same routine everynight, brush teeth, each one of my two sons picks a book that I read to them, they each tell me about their day, tucked in, kisses, prayer and gooooodnight.  I rarely, if ever, stray from that ROUTINE.
• Network with other single moms -  These ladies get it. They know what you are going through.  This has been very valuable to me for a number of reasons, and not just because you just gained a free babysitter…(of course you reciprocate the gesture)
• Accept Help - Never be too proud to accept help if you need it.  In the end you will be better fit (mentally, physically AND emotionally) to care for your children.  If you need assistance, get it, that is why it’s there.  Yes, I’m talking welfare.  You wont be on it for ever. Think about the writer for Harry Potter, yep, she was on welfare.
• Separate Need from Want - Be a good example to your children.  De-value material possessions.  Start this early.  It may be rare, but if you ever have “extra” money…spend it on “adventures” not “things”…the kids really will be much happier, take my word for it!
• DONT GET CABLE. – I’m telling you DON’T do it.  Turn the TV off.  Put that money aside for something else.  My kids will rarely see me watching tv. I either have a book in my hand or I’m writing.  Teach the kids to play.  Nix the word “bored” outta their vocabulary.  It does not exist.
• Find a good church.  And go. – I never considered myself a religious person..nope NEVER.  But this has been such a saving grace.  I actually love going to church.  It is an amazing support system, and and unbelievable comfort.  Spirituality is so important to me AND my kids.  When you think you have no one…you have God.  That’s all I’m going to say about that… done.

Well, as an introduction blog, I think that should do it.  I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you or myself.

Remember, Sanity…IS overrated.